Editor's note: This blog entry was submitted by the long absent contributor to this blog, Angus Thripshaw. Mr. Thripshaw has been a contributing editor since 2006 and, until now, has turned in his submissions via breaking into my house and making a smell until I let him use the computer. I have had no contact with Angus for many peaceful months and I had assumed that he had finally succumbed to one of his foul "medical concerns". This changed very late last night when a pizza topped with duck eggs, cat doings, and a note was shoved with great force through my letter box. The note is reproduced below to the best of my ability. Thank you and good luck. Yours, GreenFish.
The Walleye: (January 2 to January 4)--Take stock of your life and find out who wants you dead. Your lucky chair smells faintly of failure. Keep away from apes. Sheep's Easter: (January 5 to May 16)--Someone you trust is looking for the words to describe how they feel about your white denim suit. A hole dug is a hole earned. Check behind the drapes for your youth. Parental Lies: (Late May to June 2)--Keep a block of fine spruce and a pen knife near you at all times, for the inevitable day when your internet dating failures finally drive you to whittle yourself a wife. The Fop's Belt: (June 3 to June 4, 3:27pm)--It is finally time to throw out that old man in your bed. Your lucky number is written of the inner thigh of the gypsy you saw urinating in a public fountain during the cabbage riots of '07. Dave: (June 4, 3:28pm to September 19 {excluding all of July and August 6})--It is never too late to tell someone you think that they are the sorriest sack of shit you ever laid eyes upon. Time to buy a new dog, the old one is dead. Adding some fiber to your diet will somehow make you even less interesting. The Bladders: (All of July)--Someone you love is bending deeply at the knees for all the wrong reasons. At some point a comb over becomes less of an ingenious facade, and more a burdensome object of ridicule. Explosions are to be avoided for three weeks. Simple Salad: (August 6)--Hug a stranger and run away. Take time out of your day to stop and smell the mailman. Picking it won't make it better, but it might get you a day off. Dented Bean Tin: (September 20 to Elvis 17)--Save a choking man and win a dapper waist coat. You will be followed home from the tanning salon by a man in a rented suit. Your poor sense of direction will lead to a loveless marriage. Your lucky symbol for the week is the one leaf clover. Chef's Palsy: (Elvis 18 to September 30)--Avoid having children if you still eat over the sink. Your noisy love making is upsetting the waiter. Your lucky towel is on the top shelf. Vulgar Limp: (Oct 1 to Dec 24)--If you are feeling unloved in the morning, eat two pounds of American cheese and later think back on how much better you felt in the morning before you ate all that shitty cheese. The Chubby Waitress: (Dec 25)--Your mother is a virgin and your father is a gullible fool. Your personality can be best described as "eggy". Try not to be in the way when the rapture comes. Soft Eggs: (Dec 26 to Jan 1)--Bitter defeat awaits your attempt to clean your feet. Any hope of improving your breakfast nook is almost as hopeless as it is laughable. Stay funky.
Here at The Endless Ocean Of Gravy we always strive to bring to you the finest in political, spiritual, social, and intellectual musings, perusings, and sundry goings on. In that vein we are proud to present an excerpt from the latest work of an exciting new playwright. Gavin Montserrat (right) has provided us a sneak peek of his latest play Waiting For Bill Paxton, due to premier at the Ronald Reagan Memorial Theater & Refugee Detention Center on Christmas Day, 2009. An except from Act 4 Scene 22 follows, in which Pancho attempts to reveal his indiscretions to Phaedra before their wedding.
This is Floyd Purchase writing for you now. When I say, writing for you now, I am of course typing some time in the past (depending on when you read this) and you, as the reader are not being placed under any obligations, or are in any way indebted to me by my act of doing this for you. For the sake of journalistic accuracy let us agree on the following statement of fact. What you are now reading was produced by me (Floyd Purchase) with the intention of you reading it of your own free will with the understanding that it places no encumbrance on you. Enjoy!
Just when you thought is was safe to read a piss poor excuse for a blog, here comes your old pal Angus to spice up the bisque. Some of the less discerning of you will no doubt remember me from here. Maybe it's the horse liniment I drank for lunch, but I feel all tingly being back after all this time. To those of you new to the Green idiot's tiny circle of readers, let me introduce myself. I am Angus Thripshaw and I am a contributor to The Endless Ocean Of Gravy. I am the only reason to come here and I am the sweet living shit. So cuddle up children. Angus is back! Where have I been? Well let me fuckin' tell ya.
The West Turmeric Wrangler Vol. 9 Issue 47 Mrs Althea Trapes would like to thank the gentlemen of Plumbers Local 314 for giving her organ a good pounding out before the children's choir recital last Tuesday. The vandals who dented her wind system and flattened her expression peddle out of recognition have still not been identified. She says she will be buffing the pipes of the fine men of Local 314 for some time to come. ****In a correction from last week's issue (46), Dr Robert Culter, 46, is the Chief administrator for the Lower Fourth Parks Project, and not, as reported by Audrey Wong, a fat sack of pompadoured horse shit. Harlen Waxman, 32, is looking to rent a room and workspace within the city limits for the purpose of launching an exciting new business venture. He requires a small windowless room with a low bed, two stainless steel sinks, a dentist's chair, weather sealed windows, and heavy mosquito netting. In leu of rent Mr Waxman will finance his accommodations with yard work, small engine repair, honey, and tales of seamanship from his days as a showgirl aboard the QE2. Dapp Heldersmith, 66, is collecting signatures for a petition to take legal action against the City Council for damaged and lost property in the wake of last month's Retired Sailor's Convention. Mr. Heldersmith is also offering a reward of $50.00 for the return of two garden gnomes, a hammock, and Mrs. Heldersmith, 64. In local sports, the West Turmeric Sack Bladders (Go Bladders!!!) avoided relegation to the ladies division last Wednesday by winning the 103rd Annual Red Cup And Cape tournament when none of the other teams showed up. Elvis LeCruz, 31, will be giving the sixth installment of his very popular lecture series, "Why I Am So Fucking Extreme. BOOYA!!!" This week's talk (Bros before Hoes) will cover such topics as, tribal tattoos, Affliction clothing, pre-distressed denim, fist bumping, late '90s BET slang, Bud Lite, tanning, man flip-flops, little beards and the gradual acceptance of using the word "disrespect" as a verb. ****In a correction from last week's issue, Mr Kevin Flatt, 88, is alive and well and not, as reported by Mrs Candi Flatt, 22, dead and buried. The party however, will go ahead as planned. Found: Two jam stained garden gnomes, under the overpass at Bridge Street
To my eternal shame it has come to pass that I have not exactly been burning up the blogosphere lately. I know my seven loyal readers must be wondering what the hell is going on. Well I have several very good excuses, and I shall list them here for you now in my own inimitable way. THE ENDLESS OCEAN OF GRAVY PRESENTS "WHY THE HELL I HAVE NOT BEEN WRITING MUCH LATELY" (ALL TRUE) I had an accident with a bowl of soup (lentil & watercress) that caused sever scalding to over 95% of a bus driver. I got stuck in a revolving door with a rabbi, a priest, and a newfie and they would not stop regaling me with tales of their wacky adventures. I found a lump. It's on the back of the toilet about halfway up the cistern, and I'm terrified to scrape it off in case it starts screaming. Although I have no injuries I have begun wearing a neck brace, an eye patch, a truss, a hook, a diaper, and a built up shoe, just so I can enjoy the respect that goes with such extravagances. I was taken under the care of a specialist with what I thought was an hysterical pregnancy, but it turned out to be a dream. My two legs developed a condition unique to me which is called, Uncontrollable Runnin' Around Like A Jackass Syndrome. My home made gin caused blindness. Inexplicably, my home made blindness cure (gin & Tia Maria) does not, in fact, cure blindness. It makes it worse. By adding painful diarrhea to the blindness. My home made Creme de Menthe does in fact cure home made gin induced blindness, and although it tends to intensify the diarrhea, it does put it in perspective. My beard of bees has caused some unforeseeable complications with my love life. My computer has started to smell faintly of eggs. I have been training a monkey to wash the dishes, make wine, paint and genuflect. I have been severely bitten by a knife wielding, drunk, bright green, genuflecting monkey. I was arrested in the middle of the night at the lumber yard while trying to feed a bright green, frozen, monkey corpse into a wood chipper. ~fin~
The Walleye: (January 2 to January 4)--Avoid eating poison and being robbed today. It is time for that nuisance lawsuit you've always talked about. Those lucky rocks you've been collecting don't do shit, try getting a lucky job. Sheep's Easter: (January 5 to May 16)--Your cat does not like your tie. Eggs will not do you harm for the rest of the month. A kind word to an elderly man will not do either of you any good. Parental Lies: (Late May to June 2)--Very few people can tolerate the volume of your night terrors. You will buy a lottery ticket today from a man suffering from pica. The Fop's Belt: (June 3 to June 4, 3:27pm)--The old trunk in which you found your father's dresses has a false bottom in which are hidden his letters from Larry King. Of all the hats in the shop to choose from, you will be drawn to the one that makes you look even balder. Dave: (June 4, 3:28pm to September 19 {excluding all of July and August 6})--No one saw you steal the hammer but people are curious about the blood on your cummerbund. What you assumed was furniture polish is in fact a sexual ointment. The Bladders: (All of July)--Wedding bells are evident if you go to a bell maker and ask. Two people whom you know well are planning your well deserved comeuppance. Avoid impulse coat purchases while in the company of partially sighted. Simple Salad: (August 6)--Take some time to love yourself today and then put it on the internet. Try making tacos without embarrassing your loved ones. Flip a coin to decide between pancakes or procreation. Dented Bean Tin: (September 20 to Elvis 17)--A public bathroom is not a picnic area despite the obvious conveniences. If it ain't broke, take it while no one is looking. Your legs are not lucky so stop asking co-workers to rub them. Chef's Palsy: (Elvis 18 to September 30)--Don't buy a pet that you would not be prepared to eat in an emergency. Today is as good as any other to hire a prostitute. Make a prank phone call from an up market coffee shop while clad only in a false beard. Vulgar Limp: (Oct 1 to Dec 24)--Let your hair down and untie the mailman. Television is ready for you to unleash "Who Wants To Marry A Singing Hobo". Your dry heaves could be the excuse you are looking for. Avoid water and staggering today. The Chubby Waitress: (Dec 25)--Avoid family situations. Opening packages that do not have the contents clearly written on the top will result in injury and toe loss. Your buttocks has no powers beyond the mundane despite what your boss it telling you. Soft Eggs: (Dec 26 to Jan 1)--Bitter defeat awaits your attempt to organize your sock drawer. Abject failure will be the only result of any attempt to get ahold of yourself. Any hope of improving your situation is almost as hopeless as it is laughable. Stay upbeat.
The Endless Ocean Of Gravy has moved from the safe confines of Blogger to the choppy, uncharted waters of Wordpress. I've purchased the domain name, got a nice lady to host, and put on a clean cummerbund. Here is the new link. I hope all seven of my regular readers will join me or go to hell.
