Thursday, July 27, 2006

Intermission-The 2006 Guild Award For Year's Worst Poem


A Poem By Angus Thripshaw (pictured)

Oh unto thy wretched wings mine weary eyeholes flit.
You crunch beneath my booted heel along your thorax split.
Your tempest flapping haunts me still.
I flirt with madness shrieking shrill.
Drinking varnish makes me ill.
How I hate you all.


Mr. Thripshaw (pictured) took first place for poetry, at this year's Guild Awards for the Foul Arts. His prize was awarded behind a local 7-11 by Mrs. Drumlondson-Jones, the venue's event co-ordinator and local dominatrix.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Tears, Guinness, and Gravy

Gently bobbing in my gravy embrace I realize that it offers scant protection from the wounds that are so often inflicted upon the hearts of living creatures. Do you denizens of the real "not gravy" world also have your protections, your shields, your thick armor that you wrap around your gentle souls, your fragile spirits, your vulnerable hearts? Some sort of hat maybe? Struck silent by the crying shark I slowly raise a fin and place it upon its quivering spongy snout. "Look at me", he says. "A dirty great shark crying his eyes out to a tiny green fish like yourself." "It is alright", I assure him, "I am The Green Fish and I am seeking, among other things, adventure. And you my large friend, are it." He grins broadly and, through a colossal effort of will, I manage not to befoul the gravy around me. My fear subsides quickly in the light of that enormous smile. A smile or a grin in all its forms is a window into the hardest heart. I smile back. "For as long as I have been here I thought I was alone in this vast and pitiless broth," I tell him. "I hear distant voices which only highlight my own sense of alienation. I am glad to have met you Land Shark, for now I am a little less afraid of being alone in this vast place." "I am also glad to have met you Green Fish, but truth be told I was not seeking friends. I was seeking solitude. I was seeking escape. I had given up on the real world and its pettiness, its cruelty, its prejudices. I came here to The Endless Ocean Of Gravy to swim forever alone." I can hardly believe my green fishy ears. "Why?" I ask "Why would you choose such a fate. You, a grand and gregarious piscine fellow who loves the birds (and who doesn't ), who loves a laugh and a pint of a Saturday evening?" "It's true my boy", he answers. "I love nothing more than a night out with a few lads, a few perfect pints of the Black Stuff, a few tender embraces with a lass of virtue true at the corner table of The Horse And Buggery while the band murders of few bars of the songs we used to remember. That being said lad, let my tell you truthfully that sadness and loneliness are often my closest companions." I can hardly believe what I am hearing and he can sense this. "Let me tell you a story my little green friend"....

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Everyone......out of the gravy!!!

Frozen in fear I wait for the gleaming embrace. My short life in The Endless Ocean Of Gravy passed before my eyes. What have I done with the time I have been given? Have I used my time wisely in my search for life, activity, and adventure or have I spent it pissing about, daydreaming, and drinking gravy like some Oscar Wilde bachelor paradise? "You alright?" I am suddenly shocked out of my savory repose. "Excuse me." I respond, still off put by the unexpected derailing of my dramatic death scene. "Don't worry lad, it may never 'appen." "What?" I scintillate. "What?" I try again. "Look lad, you got a face like a kid who got a sock full of arseholes for your birthday." "I thought you were going to eat me." I say pleadingly. At this he suddenly turns away and I swear I see below the black and soulless eye an single tear. My fear has melted into confusion and pity and mild stomach upset. Like my mother always said, "Nothing cuts the gravy like the tears of a be-suited shark", as they took her away. Any words are caught in my throat before I can utter them as racking sobs send currents through the gravy like the aftermath of an undersea landslide. But this is no natural disaster. This is the release of pent up sadness and frustration the like of which is rarely witnessed by living souls. In an attempt to shield my own self from the wounds so often inflicted by the capriciousness of a cruel and unpredictable world, I have in turn wounded another. He finally turns to me and speaks. "I have loved, and I have lost. I have lied to those I cared about, and I have lied to myself. I have made amends where I was able, and I have come to terms with my own conscience. The only 'arm I 'ave ever done was to a kidney pie and a pint of Olde Peculiar Dark Ale. I love the birds, and who does'nt? No harm no foul. I am The Land Shark, and I am not an animal."

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Hello...........can you see me?

I just got here and I don't really know what I'm doing. I ask aloud, "What is going on?", but there is no one to hear me. I must go it alone. I am The Green Fish. I swim in The Endless Ocean Of Gravy. "The what!?!" You would ask if you were here. But you are not. So you won't. Yet I am the Green Fish, and I provide an answer if I can. The Endless Ocean of Gravy is a vast body of savory beef gravy in which I swim. I don't know if is truly endless, I only know that I can't fathom its limits if indeed it has any limits. For me at least, it has no limits. It is full of life and activity and adventure but not around me. At least not yet. "How do you know about the life and activity and adventure if it is not around you?" You would ask if you were here. But you are not. So you won't. I have been told about the Ocean by those whom I have met in the real world...your world. Now I am here alone and I can't see and I can't hear but I take great comfort in the soothing warm embrace of savory beef gravy. I will find life and activity and adventure. "How will you do that?" You would ask if you were here. But you are not. So you won't.
At least not yet...........