Saturday, August 26, 2006

A Word From Our Sponsor

How are you feeling friend? In this society of mass communication, international conflict, and uncertain spiritual discharge, it is becoming more and more common to fall victim to the perils of physical illness, intellectual fatigue, and deep ungrounded feelings of emotional isolation and the runs. There is a pervasive and seemingly irrevocable destabilization of the centre of the human spirit and so forth. It is time to take your well being into your own trembling hands and choose to be well. But how? Unfortunately there is no help to be found in the "medical establishment". Their so-called "scientific research" has for years eluded the oversight and understanding of hard working folk like yourselves. Is there a solution that will not leave you isolated and confused by the fear mongering "accredited physicians", who's only goal is to keep you from exploring the age old wisdom of natural, wholesome, triple distilled, smooth barley warmth of alternative medicine? It has been proven by independent testers that Black Bush Irish Whiskey is a bracing tonic, a biologic ointment, an excitive balm, a purifying cream, a restorative lotion, an alleviative salve, a counteractive tincture, an analeptic preparation, an invigorating unguent, a salubrious curative, an exhilarating laxative, a corrective elixir, a therapeutic sanative, and the most trusted recuperative catholicon known to man. Black Bush Irish Whiskey has been personally proven, by me, to alleviate the following:

brewer's droop
lumber lung
cooper's stoop
fletcher's elbow
lineman's crank (a tool, not a disease)
facial nerve paralysis
feline epilepsy
dutch elm disease
whittler's blight
beard of bees
the rusts
the rucks (but not the ruckuses)
banker's cankers
taint
the conks
the conks with complications
itchy legs
ham legs
green legs with diarrhea
fiddler's green
fiddler's leg
a pox on your house
sore bum
flammable discharge
reverse fainting
morning sickness
morning drunkenness
sticky wickets
slippery slopes
the toggs
the toggs with complications
the frogs
the frogs with a white wine sauce
foot and mouth
fist and mouth
fist and bum
ditch digger's bum
bee keeper's sweats
busman's tremors
businessman's trousers
blackberries
blackberries with complications
unintentional sobriety

Three fingers of Black Bush Irish Whiskey poured over two cubes of ice is all you need to leave the aches and pains of life behind you. No "qualified doctor of medicine with years of dedicated study" would give you that invaluable piece of information, those black-balling sons of whores......

The Rev.(defrocked) Dr.(discredited) Elija Tungsten--Professor of Scientelogical Lecturing and Homeopathic Animal Husbandry

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

You, my friend (can I call you my friend?) are awsome! While I am not a fan of the Irish Wiskey, it turns out I am a fan of the Irish (born). And I have long been searching for a cure for my sticky wickets and ditch digger's bum (I have a feeling, while my physician disagrees, that these two are somehow related). Many thanks for the advice! Any idea how to cure my case of tennis clavicle (a relative of tennis elbow, but much more serious)?

Green Fish said...

TENNIS CLAVICLE!!! That is very serious. Get the to a nunnery and ask for for a Sister Mary-Unctious deep cleansing special: thats five Our Fathers, The Stations of the Cross, a bucket of coal tar, and a wire brush. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

You are one strange dood.

Green Fish said...

I thank you.

Anonymous said...

that other anon who called you strange was not me. just so you know. I'd hate to think that you would think that I could spell "dude" with two "o"s. But I do thank you for the cure advice. Although, not being catholic, I may have a little trouble with the Our Fathers and Stations of the Cross (although I did volunteer in a Catholic school this year). I hope the nuns will be understanding and help me along.

Green Fish said...

You don't need to be Catholic to have trouble with Our Fathers and The Stations Of The Cross. I often refer to myself as a recovering Catholic. One day at a time.

Mister Underhill said...

Sounds good to me. I am usually into the scotch whiskey, but irish whiskey is good as well.

The Writer said...

Wow, I hate when I discover someone who operates on a whole nuther level of inventiveness. I have been educated and entertained in one post, is that edutained? Or entercated? Either way, you disgust me, and that, sir, is the highest compliment I can give without going the whole hog, seeking you out to eliminate you. You scene stealing bastard.

Green Fish said...

Best......comment......ever. And thank you very much.