Sunday, September 17, 2006

Mail Bag Again

Dear Sirs:

My name is Sir Regis Frottage, Chief Footman's Assistant (second class) to The Duke of Argyle . It is in this capacity that I have found myself as not only an advisor to royalty, but also a world renowned critic of popular culture and commentator on broad social trends. I have been at the vanguard of letter writing campaigns geared toward exposing and banning the following moral, spiritual, and societal abominations: colour television, chinese food, sex before marriage, bananas, sex after marriage, making out, making in and out, birth control, women's health education, children making a ruckus, cheese rolling, group sex, making a show of yourself, mixed friendships, racial tolerance, co-ed teenage dating, milfs, ferret legging, lawn darts, chemical hair removal, sexy underwear, spanking for the purpose of carnal gratification, black satin corsets barely able to contain plump heaving bosoms............I digress. The latest ill to befall the moral fabric of our society is the proliferation of these so called "blogs". When it was first made clear to me that anyone could now spread filth, unrest, and holiday photos all across the world, well lets just say I very nearly shit my pants. And when I say nearly, I mean actually. And since I had already shit my pants an hour earlier when my wife hit me with a leg of lamb, the smell in my den was starting to get a little loud. I am not entirely sure how computers got into the homes of the unwashed masses in the first place, but now they seem to have gotten into the hands of teenagers, unmarried women, artists, musicians, soccer moms, students, mimes, single dads, poets, nudists, never-nudes, cat lovers, dog groomers, wine tasters, vegetarians, humanists, and other nefarious modern types. I initially supported the limited availability of a world wide network while unfortunately laboring under the misapprehension that this availability would be limited to selected members of the aristocracy and the clergy. As is now apparent, no such limitations are in place. It has also become apparent that blogging is joining video games and popular music as the main reasons that young people scare the shit out of me. I ask you; where is the government control in this? If a law can be in place to prevent me from removing my trousers in the fruit aisle of my local super market, should the same law not prevent me from expressing this desire publicly? Surely the masses can not be counted on to police the traffic of the blog community. Surely they can not flag and report exploitation, illegal activity, sickos, hate and thinly veiled cries for help and attention. We need to be monitored by our benefactors for our own good, as sure as we need small colourful newspapers and loud, shiny, semi-literate journalists telling us how to feel about things. I know I do.

Sir Regis Frottage (pictured) Professor Emeritus of Political Science at The Uri Gellar Mail Order College and Delicatessen (and also, Chief Footman's Assistant (second class) to The Duke of Argyle)

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well, if Nancy Grace didn't exist, how would I know who the Bad people were?

Kat said...

Ha!
I thought Popeye was fictitious!
Just one question. How does he feel about poop and pee? I promise that's the last time I'll bring it up.

Green Fish said...

Popeye is probably pro-pee and particularly partial to poop.

Green Fish said...

And nancy Grace is the scariest pile of makeup and cloths that has ever been propped up in front of a camera.

Anonymous said...

What about other very important "news" personalties, such as Barbara Walters, Anderson Cooper (who wouldn't beleive someone with 2 last names?) or Katie Couric? Just to name a few...or wait-Matt Lauer!! Now, if it wasen't for him, how would I know Tom Cruise wasnen't one of the bad people? I bet he has a blogg too! I hate Tom Cruise. Bastard.

Green Fish said...

Hi Anon...The key word there is "personalities". At some point it become important for the news to be read (and that's all they do, they are not journalist or writers) by trusted, likable, personalities in order to both sell commercial time and more easily manipulate and direct the emotion impact. The more scared you are are teens on "E" stealing your iPod or black people stealing your car the less suspicious you are of increased taxes and a greater government control over personal freedom. And of course it is so much easier to digest the news when Katie Couric finishes me off with a happy ending like a water skiing squirrel or a six year old who gives banjo lessons to shut-ins. And Tom Cruise may be nuts, but........that's all I got.

Anonymous said...

I love water skiing squirrels..........mmm nuts.

elizabeth said...

Does a never nude wear underwear to shower or underwear AND socks. I need this to complete me mental image repro.

elizabeth said...

oh yes - and who are you and what have you done with my touque?

elizabeth said...

oops one too may u's. u can take whichever you like the most.

;-D

wonderbug said...

these "bloggers" need to be rounded up and put on a island somewhere...preferably one with a good beach...and people that bring you cocktails...hehe..."cock"tails....

Green Fish said...

Wonderbug!!! Alive and well you be!!! Thanks for bringing the "cock" back into the gravy. And tell Mr Nails to get off his arse and get bloggin like a mofo.

Hey Liz....I believe a never nude wears only-cut off denim shorts next to the skin, this is their baseline "nude" state from which they can then shower, skinny dip, and perform a type of non-invasive yet spirited, workman-like love making. Socks and underwear can be worn and removed as normal over the daisy dukes. Peeing and pooping are another matter entirely but I'm sure the Sniper Kitty can offer some discourse on these topics. (she's a bit odd) Oh, and you can have your touque when your learn to behave yourself.

Kat said...

"she's a bit odd"
Best Compliment Ever! lol

The Writer said...

I dont understand these comments, based on the post. Have I been rerouted?

Anyway, High-larious. As always.

CUNT!!!