My name is Sir Regis Frottage, Chief Footman's Assistant (second class) to The Duke of Argyle . It is in this capacity that I have found myself as not only an advisor to royalty, but also a world renowned critic of popular culture and commentator on broad social trends. I have been at the vanguard of letter writing campaigns geared toward exposing and banning the following moral, spiritual, and societal abominations: colour television, chinese food, sex before marriage, bananas, sex after marriage, making out, making in and out, birth control, women's health education, children making a ruckus, cheese rolling, group sex, making a show of yourself, mixed friendships, racial tolerance, co-ed teenage dating, milfs, ferret legging, lawn darts, chemical hair removal, sexy underwear, spanking for the purpose of carnal gratification, black satin corsets barely able to contain plump heaving bosoms............I digress. The latest ill to befall the moral fabric of our society is the proliferation of these so called "blogs". When it was first made clear to me that anyone could now spread filth, unrest, and holiday photos all across the world, well lets just say I very nearly shit my pants. And when I say nearly, I mean actually. And since I had already shit my pants an hour earlier when my wife hit me with a leg of lamb, the smell in my den was starting to get a little loud. I am not entirely sure how computers got into the homes of the unwashed masses in the first place, but now they seem to have gotten into the hands of teenagers, unmarried women, artists, musicians, soccer moms, students, mimes, single dads, poets, nudists, never-nudes, cat lovers, dog groomers, wine tasters, vegetarians, humanists, and other nefarious modern types. I initially supported the limited availability of a world wide network while unfortunately laboring under the misapprehension that this availability would be limited to selected members of the aristocracy and the clergy. As is now apparent, no such limitations are in place. It has also become apparent that blogging is joining video games and popular music as the main reasons that young people scare the shit out of me. I ask you; where is the government control in this? If a law can be in place to prevent me from removing my trousers in the fruit aisle of my local super market, should the same law not prevent me from expressing this desire publicly? Surely the masses can not be counted on to police the traffic of the blog community. Surely they can not flag and report exploitation, illegal activity, sickos, hate and thinly veiled cries for help and attention. We need to be monitored by our benefactors for our own good, as sure as we need small colourful newspapers and loud, shiny, semi-literate journalists telling us how to feel about things. I know I do.
Sir Regis Frottage (pictured) Professor Emeritus of Political Science at The Uri Gellar Mail Order College and Delicatessen (and also, Chief Footman's Assistant (second class) to The Duke of Argyle)