Sunday, November 26, 2006

Product Placement

Hello folks, my name is Latimer "Hot Karl" Peterson. I am the Head R&D Facilitator for New Hebrides Offshore Accounting Ltd. What, you may ask, am I doing here? Well I'll tell you. I'm here to offer you a product that will change your lives forever. I will deliver to your homes a fantastic device that will be more welcome than a hot lunch and more breathtaking than a glass bottom boat. But folks I'm getting ahead of myself. Why, you may ask, do I need another device in home? Am I not already over burdened with techno mumbo jibber jabbery. Have I not already been sufficiently alienated from the natural world by the plastic fantastic silicone gods of mass consumption and flashing lights? I need another computerized doodad like a wild game cock needs a rusty trombone. We here at HNOA Ltd. could not agree more. That is why we, in collaboration with the Antiguan Chamber of Commerce, have developed a device that will not only take care of all the household chores that keep you from enjoying life, but will replace every other appliance that is cluttering up your home. I take great pride in introducing to you:

The Electroflax 3600

Take all your DVD players, food processors, seat warmers, mobile phones, cordless drills, pigeon traps, rat shavers, Arabian goggles, coffee grinders, baby changers, leg stretchers, egg rollers, chastity patches, panty looseners, and Blu-Ray devices, and load them into the large fleece lined hopper. Turn the hand crafted imitation spruce handle and crush the ever loving bejaysus out of all of the overpriced, poorly made, shite that has been cluttering up the family room for far too long. The lady of the house will be glad to know that the fleece lined hopper also holds up to six moderately sized children for up to twelve hours. Just remember to secure the hand crafted imitation spruce handle to prevent accidental deployment of the crusher while the little ones are expressing their youthful exuberance against the heavily sound proofed reinforced steel doors. You ladies will also be happy to know that there are hand stitched leather restraints for the man in your life that will allow you to go about your daily business while he vainly fights for freedom. All you have to do is send me an international money order for $997.99 to Latimer "Hot Karl" Peterson c/o The Armenian Consulate, and in 15 to 18 months you will have your very own Electroflax 3600. Don't wait! Supplies are limited!

  • this device will catch fire as soon as it is plugged in
  • this device does nothing that is claimed
  • this device contains weapons grade depleted uranium
  • this device may never be sent to you
  • Mr. Peterson has been arrested for bribery, sexual deviance, treason, armed robbery, practicing dentistry without a licence, impersonating a Rabbi, bigamy, arson, mail fraud, poisoning, attempted food tampering, malicious fondling, kidnapping, and regicide.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I'm Sorry, But I'm A Lazy Bastard

Hello my little fishies. I am in the midst of a glorious and much deserved week off work. We usually go away when the occasion presents itself, but this is a relaxin' and keepin' it real vacation. I have not cleaned the apartment. I have not done my laundry. I have not shaved. I have barely worn pants. And to my undying shame my friends, I have not posted. I have listened to music. I have ridden the arse off my new bike. I have played video games. I have cooked dinner for the girl. All in all it has been a pleasant experience. It is strange to be neither at work nor sitting in an airport. The not posting thing is bugging though, so I thought, in the spirit of keepin' it real, I would step out of The Ocean for a moment and introduce myself. Hi. My name is Mike and I have writer's block. I have a boring job, an exciting girlfriend and a pretty full and interesting life. I have been blogging for about four months and I have met some very interesting people. I have learned that the creative potential of your average person is far greater than popular culture would have me believe. Thank you. Anyway, I'm going to see Billy Connolly tonight and that should get the creative juices flowing. I've also decided to share some of my favorite music in the form of Green Fish's Podcast. It's just over there on your right. You can listen on the website, or subscribe via iTunes. It's like a little three song, commercial free radio station. Enjoy, and tell me what you think...............Thanks folks......A proper post is coming soon. I promise.

Special One Time Only Bonus
5 Interesting Facts About
The Endless Ocean Of Gravy

  1. Mostly written without the restrictive influence of clothing. Just like W.B. Yeats.
  2. Without a spell checker, Green Fish would come across as retarded.
  3. I never know what point I am trying to make until the post is 75% finished.
  4. The title was originally a metaphor for the internet. It's now a metaphor for daily life.
  5. You are the reason I do it.....thank you for your time.