Sunday, November 26, 2006

Product Placement

Hello folks, my name is Latimer "Hot Karl" Peterson. I am the Head R&D Facilitator for New Hebrides Offshore Accounting Ltd. What, you may ask, am I doing here? Well I'll tell you. I'm here to offer you a product that will change your lives forever. I will deliver to your homes a fantastic device that will be more welcome than a hot lunch and more breathtaking than a glass bottom boat. But folks I'm getting ahead of myself. Why, you may ask, do I need another device in home? Am I not already over burdened with techno mumbo jibber jabbery. Have I not already been sufficiently alienated from the natural world by the plastic fantastic silicone gods of mass consumption and flashing lights? I need another computerized doodad like a wild game cock needs a rusty trombone. We here at HNOA Ltd. could not agree more. That is why we, in collaboration with the Antiguan Chamber of Commerce, have developed a device that will not only take care of all the household chores that keep you from enjoying life, but will replace every other appliance that is cluttering up your home. I take great pride in introducing to you:

The Electroflax 3600

Take all your DVD players, food processors, seat warmers, mobile phones, cordless drills, pigeon traps, rat shavers, Arabian goggles, coffee grinders, baby changers, leg stretchers, egg rollers, chastity patches, panty looseners, and Blu-Ray devices, and load them into the large fleece lined hopper. Turn the hand crafted imitation spruce handle and crush the ever loving bejaysus out of all of the overpriced, poorly made, shite that has been cluttering up the family room for far too long. The lady of the house will be glad to know that the fleece lined hopper also holds up to six moderately sized children for up to twelve hours. Just remember to secure the hand crafted imitation spruce handle to prevent accidental deployment of the crusher while the little ones are expressing their youthful exuberance against the heavily sound proofed reinforced steel doors. You ladies will also be happy to know that there are hand stitched leather restraints for the man in your life that will allow you to go about your daily business while he vainly fights for freedom. All you have to do is send me an international money order for $997.99 to Latimer "Hot Karl" Peterson c/o The Armenian Consulate, and in 15 to 18 months you will have your very own Electroflax 3600. Don't wait! Supplies are limited!


warning!!!
  • this device will catch fire as soon as it is plugged in
  • this device does nothing that is claimed
  • this device contains weapons grade depleted uranium
  • this device may never be sent to you
  • Mr. Peterson has been arrested for bribery, sexual deviance, treason, armed robbery, practicing dentistry without a licence, impersonating a Rabbi, bigamy, arson, mail fraud, poisoning, attempted food tampering, malicious fondling, kidnapping, and regicide.

16 comments:

Moxy Ness said...

I can't tell you how excited I am to receive my very first Electroflax 3600! I thought I would never have a replacement for Arabian Goggles! and egg rollers! I think I'll stick to my own way of doing hot lunches though!

If I give you my credit card number, do you think I could have it by christmas?

Kat said...

Hey...methinks I recognize ms. moxy ness. I think she should get hers for free.

jamwall said...

the state department has dispatched me over to your blog as the "american diplomat" to try to work you a deal. if you give up the weapons grade plutonium, we'll give you...

drum roll please...

three large bottles of Pepsi Lime cola and a gift card for "the solar powered embryo" CD store!!!!!

don pardo, what else has he won?

jamwall said...

just thought i'd comment that the poisoned former spy dude had a head smooth as a baby's ass!

i rubbed lotion all over his head before he croaked, actually it was "Crisco" but who's paying attention...

Elohelae said...

radioactive crisco.... you bastard i bet he never saw that coming

Moxy Ness said...

I'm waiting!

Green Fish said...

messy nessy....I'm sure I can give you one before Christmas, but I will need you to send me your passport, credit card, and a list of your valuables.

Katmandoo.....free?...these are hand made in Kazaksatn...you can smell the quality!!!

sweet walls of jam.....Hhhhmmmm? Pepsi lime Cola is indeed considered a far more dangerous toxin than uranium. DEAL!!!

jamma lamma.....mmmmmm...dead smooth headed spies and Crisco. Are you related to Martha Stuart?

Ebola.....no one sees that shit coming, a Plasma Sword and a kick in the dick is the only defense.

moxy poxy.......spoilt rotten you are

Anonymous said...

That, my friend, was one of the funniest things I've read all day. And I've been to the BBC homepage twice! You should put this all into one great COFFEE TABLE book! I wouldn't buy it, but I might borrow it from somebody!

Kat said...

ah. So is nice. is very nice!

Green Fish said...

jimmyanon......Who would taint their coffee table with my book?

Kit Kat....vey nice.....I LIKE!!!

Moxy Ness said...

Hey! I'm with Jimmyannon! You should write a COFFEE TABLE BOOK. But like him, I would't buy it, I would just hang out at Urban Outfitters and read it from the shelf.

Anonymous said...

Great idea Moxy! I would read it at Urban Outfitters too, while Wonderbug looks at girly stuff.

Then, even if the COFFEE TABLE book sells nothing...you can still advertise it as being "the most read book ever!" You would be lying, but it's advertising...Howard Jones would do it.

wonderbug said...

why do you guys keep putting COFFEE TABLE in all caps?
you're starting to freak me out.

ps - i don't look at "girly stuff" in urban outfitters...unless you call home decor things "girly"...wait...you probably would.

pps - go do the dishes...especially the pots.

love you.

Green Fish said...

moxy....you're an Urban Outfitter groupie

Jimmyanon & Wonderbug.....I don't want to interrupt your conversation here but a COFFEE TABLE is a very depraved sexual act. It is a cross between a Hot Carl, Arabian Goggles, and a Rusty Trombone. Enjoy!

wonderbug said...

hot carl...

I INVENTED THE HOT CARL!!

and, boy was carl surprised!
heyoooooo!

RealMenBlog said...

I want one !!!