Wednesday, December 06, 2006

In The News: Technology

Crowds have been gathering in the streets of our fair city over the last fortnight in anticipation of the latest technical marvel from the great mind of Dr. Thurliss Le Clerk (pictured). The good Doctor, recently discharged from St Unctuous of The Seven Enfeeblements Sanitarium after undergoing treatment for angry blood and syphilis, addressed the sturdy souls who have lined up for days in the hopes of purchasing his latest invention. The crowd outside Harrod's were excited but well behaved. Detective Dimitri Smith of the local Constabulary reported that floggings were kept to the working class sections of the line and only six hundred orphan pick pockets we rounded up and sold to heavy industrial concerns. One incident only slightly marred the event when two Irishmen began fighting over a discarded haddock that had been tossed from a third floor window. The men were subdued by a dozen heavily armoured lawmen and put aboard a spice boat bound for Sri Lanka. Police suspect alcohol may have been involved. The event went on without further embuggerance and it is with great pleasure that we bare witness to:

The Babbage Automated Recreation Platform: mark III

The magnificent device, named after Dr.Le Clerk's cat Babbage, is the latest and greatest entry into the heavily crowded field of entertainment technology. The machine stands sixteen feet tall and weights a mere thirty two tons. It is constructed of the finest buffed brass, hand polished spruce with teak embellishments, and finished with hand stitched green velvet.
The heart of the machine is a magnificent coal fired, steam pump which is reported to produce enough torque to strip the meat of a dead horse in under six hours, but we will get to the game software in a moment. The coal furnace is ventilated buy twin processor aerators. In non-technical terms this is a fast, highly efficient set of two seal skin bellows, each of which are alternately pumped by three orphans or one monkey and a boxing kangaroo. For those on a budget, the orphans can be purchased at a discount from most coal mines when large quantities of coal are purchased in bulk.
Speaking of budget, this hansom contrivance will cost you a pretty sum. The base model, which includes a 12 stone bag of coal and one orphan, retails for six pounds four shillings sixpence hapenny. The deluxe model retails for nine pounds three guineas sixteen shillings four crowns tuppence. The deluxe model includes the following:
It looks like many children will be waking up to more than just a whipping this St. Steven's day. They may, if they have been obedient, chaste, duly shamed, and penitent, find more that just a rat in their stockings after a long day in the garment district sweat shops. Yes, the entertainment revolution is upon us. Perhaps the toys of old are becoming sadly obsolete, but I must admit that I will still find nostalgic pleasure in my old barrel hoops, wooden army men, walnut on a bit of twine, bag of marbles, rag doll, taxidermy kit, and my old outdated Tesla Boiler Plate Auto-Resulter GameBox 720p with mustache comb. Ah......good times.