Wednesday, December 06, 2006

In The News: Technology

Crowds have been gathering in the streets of our fair city over the last fortnight in anticipation of the latest technical marvel from the great mind of Dr. Thurliss Le Clerk (pictured). The good Doctor, recently discharged from St Unctuous of The Seven Enfeeblements Sanitarium after undergoing treatment for angry blood and syphilis, addressed the sturdy souls who have lined up for days in the hopes of purchasing his latest invention. The crowd outside Harrod's were excited but well behaved. Detective Dimitri Smith of the local Constabulary reported that floggings were kept to the working class sections of the line and only six hundred orphan pick pockets we rounded up and sold to heavy industrial concerns. One incident only slightly marred the event when two Irishmen began fighting over a discarded haddock that had been tossed from a third floor window. The men were subdued by a dozen heavily armoured lawmen and put aboard a spice boat bound for Sri Lanka. Police suspect alcohol may have been involved. The event went on without further embuggerance and it is with great pleasure that we bare witness to:

The Babbage Automated Recreation Platform: mark III




The magnificent device, named after Dr.Le Clerk's cat Babbage, is the latest and greatest entry into the heavily crowded field of entertainment technology. The machine stands sixteen feet tall and weights a mere thirty two tons. It is constructed of the finest buffed brass, hand polished spruce with teak embellishments, and finished with hand stitched green velvet.
The heart of the machine is a magnificent coal fired, steam pump which is reported to produce enough torque to strip the meat of a dead horse in under six hours, but we will get to the game software in a moment. The coal furnace is ventilated buy twin processor aerators. In non-technical terms this is a fast, highly efficient set of two seal skin bellows, each of which are alternately pumped by three orphans or one monkey and a boxing kangaroo. For those on a budget, the orphans can be purchased at a discount from most coal mines when large quantities of coal are purchased in bulk.
Speaking of budget, this hansom contrivance will cost you a pretty sum. The base model, which includes a 12 stone bag of coal and one orphan, retails for six pounds four shillings sixpence hapenny. The deluxe model retails for nine pounds three guineas sixteen shillings four crowns tuppence. The deluxe model includes the following:
It looks like many children will be waking up to more than just a whipping this St. Steven's day. They may, if they have been obedient, chaste, duly shamed, and penitent, find more that just a rat in their stockings after a long day in the garment district sweat shops. Yes, the entertainment revolution is upon us. Perhaps the toys of old are becoming sadly obsolete, but I must admit that I will still find nostalgic pleasure in my old barrel hoops, wooden army men, walnut on a bit of twine, bag of marbles, rag doll, taxidermy kit, and my old outdated Tesla Boiler Plate Auto-Resulter GameBox 720p with mustache comb. Ah......good times.

12 comments:

Moxy Ness said...

Forget the Wii.....you're getting orphans for Christmas! Yippee!!
Um....and the mysterious Irish lodger has been on the couch now for 6 weeks....I was hoping you wouldn't notice...

wonderbug said...

a blu-ray player?
bah! if you had said HD i would have been on board.
blu-ray is sooooooo bourgeoisie

Green Fish said...

ness....I want a wii!!! i want a wii!!

bug...HD is not compatible with seal skin bellows and boxing kangaroos

Anonymous said...

Looks like a splendid device! But I don't know if it will be as good as a whipping on St Stevens day. That's top notch! Especially catching one right on the COFFEE TABLE.

One word of warning to potential buyers of this fine looking product: this may result shiftless, lazy children who will then be unable to work for 16 hours a day at various vocations (iron works, textile mills, coal mines, peat bogs, whiskey orchards...the backbone of industry) for crusty bread and a handful of self respect.

SFChick74 said...

What am I going to do with five bags of peat?

Kat said...

An outrage!
How can you say this is deluxe when it doesn't even include red and green peppers?

Green Fish said...

JimmyAnon.....Catching one on the COFFEE TABLE has been a tradition in my family for many weeks.

SFC74....You wouldn't want five bags of peat....are you a Princess or a Millionaire or something?

Kat....Hey this is Canada. Deluxe always comes with red and green peppers, mushrooms, and pepperoni. You don't even need to say it.....um, the same goes for Victorian England.

elizabeth said...

I have always wanted a duck press.

elizabeth said...

(now, where do I get a duck...)

Green Fish said...

Hey Liz...Welcome back.....DUCK!!!!!

Moxy Ness said...

are you still alive?

Green Fish said...

alive like a jackass girly girl