Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Excerpt From "A Gentleman's Correspondence" (part the first)

My Dearest James,

I am hoping this letter finds you well. I have not seen you in many weeks, and my thoughts have turned to our last meeting. I wanted you to know that my leg is healing beautifully. It would be safe to say that (almost) all is forgiven and as long as the barman at The Bishop's Taint doesn't rise from his coma, there will be no further repercussions. I also wanted to say that any threats of revenge I have made (which only now are bubbling up from the depths of my memory) were given in the heat of the moment and should be given no more credence than the rumors of your questionable parentage. I hope to hear from you soon.

Yours,

Michael

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Life List

Greetings to you my fellow swimmers. The wallowing warmth of the early days of the warmest of seasons have made my savory Ocean a hot and hearty place recently. I offer sincerest prayers of thanks to a tin of beef consume which looks down on me from upon high. I pray for a light summer soup of broth and veggies, and it is made so. With soup, life is good. And although the world can be a nasty shit heap at the best of times, I feel that I am safe in my Endless Ocean with my fishy swishy friends.
While enjoying a summer's afternoon with my Squeezy recently, I saw a man with a rapidly retreating hairline attempting to park a giant Hummer. Now I must admit that I jumped to my usual conclusions about such unparkable diesel-womb things. Big Hummer=Tiny Cock. But perhaps I am too quick to judge. Perhaps he was suffering from the number one killer of adult males. The mid-life crisis. I had witnessed this affliction first hand many years ago but was unaware of its significance at the time. (SATIRE WARNING) A friend of mine recently passed away after a brave struggle with getting pissed and stepping in front of a bus at the ripe old age of 32. I then remembered that at the age of 16 he bought a fast car, a guitar, and began dating a teenage girl. Typical mid-life crisis.
In the spirit of the affliction I have compiled a list. Such lists are popular among a certain type of man who feels that his success, position, family, and cocksize are not all they could be after a wasted lifetime of sucking up and fitting in. Without further delay my little fishy pals:

GREEN FISH'S TOTALLY EXTREME
TOP EIGHT THINGS
TO DO BEFORE HE
DIES

  1. THROW A KETTLE OVER A PUB: It was referenced during an episode of The Office (uk) and I have become fascinated with it. The secret lies in the use of a necktie as a sling. It was demonstrated with a shoe but I feel the spirit of the feat was not fully realized.
  2. BURROW THROUGH AN ELEPHANT: A recently (and of course naturally) expired African bull elephant to be traversed internally by me, armed only with goggles, an ice cream scoop, a layer of Vaseline, and a dream. In through the mouth. Set base camp one just past the esophagus. Base camp two and a night's sleep at the mid way point of the large intestine. Exit as God intended.
  3. THROW A PIGEON THROUGH AN OAK DOOR: Imagine, if you will, a Bruce Lee type of demonstration only with cruelty to animals.
  4. PUKE INTO A COWBOY OR TOP HAT: Someone else's. It has to be unstaged and spontaneous. And the hat size has to be at least 9 3/4.
  5. HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH LARRY KING AND REPEATEDLY CALL HIM SAMANTHA: Funny shit.
  6. TEST DRIVE A LAMBORGHINI: And just sit in the driver's seat making deafening "vroom vroom" and break squealing noises while madly spinning the steering wheel. Then I'll thank the salesman, shake his hand, and tell him "I'll think about it sonny".
  7. HIT A MAN WITH A SHOVEL: In the interest of ethics I would choose someone who really needed a shovel beating or two. I would like it to be a celebrity who would lend a touch of class to the affair and perhaps make charitable donation to some sort of organization involving trembling children or some such fashionable concern. I would require one side arm, two handed blow to the back followed by a double overhanded strike to the top of the head. It would be understood that I would only use the flat side of the shovel.
  8. PURCHASE A HIGH QUALITY FALSE MUSTACHE: I would be long dead if I waited to grow my own. Perhaps my lack of mustache growing ability is the basis for my belief in the comic properties of a large well groomed lip wig.
Well that's it. These are things that would make my life complete and justify my choices and decisions and erase all regrets. Dreams people! Dreams are what drive us to reach for the silver bell of freedom and comfort and a chicken in every driveway. You can make a man wear pants but you can't take away his dreams. Unless his dreams involve a lot of pantslessness. Then sir, you can take his dreams away and damn you to hell if you do.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Mail Out The Ass


Dear Mr. Fish,

My name is Rev. Simon Deschamps-Galore (pictured). I am a former member of the Alliance of Spiritual Scientists Holistic Oncology Learning Establishment. We were at the forefront of ethereal diagnosis, laying of hands, training the blood, and the homeopathic administration of tinctures, unguents, leeches, tap water and Bovril. My membership came to an end with the disbanding of the movement after several claims of embezzlement and two mysterious smotherings. Fearing an investigation would place me at the forefront of suspicion, I booked passage on a steamer destined for Switzerland. Upon mt arrival Swiss authorities began asking pointed questions about my sombrero, which I had stuffed with stolen credit cards and two live beavers. I was extradited and charged and I am currently serving time at Her Majesty's pleasure for fraud, 6 counts of endangering a horse, malicious tampering, committing a disgrace within sight of a flight attendant school, and keeping two beavers with intent to commit an indecent act for the purpose of causing a breach of public order. I am also an avid fan of women's body building and American Idol. In my current capacity as inmate #845135946 I have spent my time organizing letter writing campaigns to local politicians, members of the clergy, prominent literati, and celebrities. With my formidable eminence and the full support of several key cast members of Degrassi: The Next Generation, I have been moderately successful in banning Belgians from Legion Halls during peak dining hours. Thanks to me you won't see a Swede in Pottery Barn before noon, or a Swissman purchasing eggs within 50 meters of a school. My efforts will soon make it illegal to teach evolution at driving schools or mention quantum gravity theory while donning a brimmed hat of any description. I am currently setting in motion my preparations for an extended series of petitions aimed at banning atheists from Starbucks during daylight hours. So in that vein Mr Fish, I implore you. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF STARBUCKS!!!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

# 40

Oh my sweet merciful Bejaysus folks it looks like The Endless Ocean Of Gravy has finally stumbled, crept, and staggered upon the magnificent milestone that is......Post Number 40. In only nine months I have managed to impose upon the world the self indulgent, self referential, ribald, ramblings, of an unreconstructed man-child, a glorious 39 times. Armed with only a stupid haircut, an iMac, and a dream of one day dancing with the stars, I have achieved, with varying degrees of competence, what only mere millions have done before. In this rapidly shrinking electronic world, where no opinion is left unstated, no story left unshared, no thought unvoiced, no discomfort unuttered, we open our profiles to all, we gaily declare our status, and we request that all be our FRIENDS (when we are dead the person with the most is the winner). Well my little piscine (of, pertaining to, or resembling a fish or fishes) pals, I would like to thank you all for not only being a part of my greeny fishy swimmings, but also for letting me be a part of yours. Thank you. It takes me back...............

Only nine months ago I stepped from the hallowed halls of the St. Gretta Du Chemis Barber College And Refugee Detention Center with nothing but my degree, my neck shaver, two tins of saddle wax, a pint of Creme De Parsnip, a threatening letter to a local coffee house, a straw hat, six letters of credit from the Bulgarian Chamber of Commerce, and a fake rickshaw license in the name of Carlos McAbramms. After spending two soul searching days wandering the streets of Luxembourg in search of employment in their world renowned garment factories, it slowly dawned on me that not only was I not in Luxembourg, but they also do not have world renowned garment factories. Undeterred by this minor setback I quickly gained work at a local Starbucks, but was given my walking papers after only two hours because of accusations regarding profoundly vulgar and abusive language, a series of unexplained fires, some minor thieving, two customer assaults, a poisoning, a string of smotherings, and some vague references to waving genitalia. My time there was both instructive and profoundly spiritual. I hope that the damage I have caused, and the pain I have wrought, can one day me mitigated by the fact that I feel a deep connection with lives I shattered and the lattes I spilled. When an unfortunate series of events involving a stolen taxi, two Japanese business men, a treasure map, and bottle of Maker's Mark resulted in my brief marriage to a local female arm wrestling champion, I felt that I had truly hit bottom. I was wrong. My marriage was annulled after several attempts to consummate ended in unexplained property damage, two hysterical pregnancies, a bomb scare, nine cases of bird flu, an outbreak of bovine spongiform encephalopathy, and threats of deportation. On my own once again, I took work as a rat catcher in a high end women's shoe store. It was hard, dangerous, and highly competitive but I rose to the top quickly because of my natural predispositions toward cruelty to animals and fetishism. It was when I was fired from that job because of a baffling series of events involving a pizza delivery man, a box of ants, a trombone, two top hats, a false mustache, a piece of The True Cross, a book about squirrels, three dirty hippies, a tin of salted smelts, and a picture of Ben Vereen, that I truly hit bottom. I moved from job to job like a person who is out of work a lot because of calamitous misadventures involving a series of seemingly unrelated items with clearly serious yet oddly nonspecific consequences. It was in this capacity that I came upon the notion that the world must be hungry for the tales I could weave from the tendrils of my vast and questionable experiences. And here I am, your humble chronicler. I hope you enjoy, and continue to do so. Because I'm not stopping unless something very odd happens.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Say Goodbye To The Apartement Folks


Ok, we're moving in the morning so the computer is getting packed away today. I should be back on the interwebs some time in the next eighteen months or when ever the cable guy decides to show up. I stole this thing from Liz The Amazonian. It should keep you from missing me because these things are a pain in the ass. See ya soon (I hope).

1. What do you wish your name was? Rich Bigdick
2. What is your favorite thing to wear? DC Shoes
3. Last thing you ate. Something bad for me
4. Favorite quote? "Without religion, evil people would do evil things and good people would do good things, but it takes religion to make good people do evil things."
5. I say Shotgun, you say? Do you see a car? I don't see a car.
6. Last person you hugged? The Girl
7. Africa or Mexico? Neither. I can't stand the heat. I would love to see Africa and India but I would melt.
8. How many U.S states have you been to? Six I think.
9. How many of the U.S states have you lived in? Does Canada count?
10. Does anyone you know wanna date you? Hopefully the Girl. And probably the wife.
11. Name something you like physically about yourself: My gargantuan man boobs.
12. Something you don't? Fucking love handles.
13. Who is your best friend? The Girl
14.Why are you still up? It's get up time.
15. Who/What made you angry today? Nothing yet.
16. Favorite type of Food? French
17. Favorite holidays: Christmas, and Thanksgiving (my birthday is always on that long weekend)
18. Do you download music: Yes, but as a purchase guide. If I likey song, I buy the record.
19. Do you care if your socks are dirty? Yes. I care.
20. What are you wearing right now? nadda
21. Would you date the person who posted this? Hell yeah.
22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally? Yes.........no.
23. Do you love anyone? I sure do.
24. Do you like Bush? Same as any other politician. They tell you what they think 51 percent of you want hear and their only, ONLY goal is getting votes. Bush, Gore, Harper, Obama, Clinton, Layton, Martin.....alllllllllllllllll the same. Don't vote, it only encourages them.
25. Have you ever bungee jumped? No but I have skydived....dove.......diven.
26. Have you ever gone white-water rafting: No, but would like to.
27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you? Yes....couple of chicks.....lots of dudes.
28. How much money ya got in ya pocket? no clothes, no pockets
29. Have you met a real redneck? Yes, he was real nice. I never judge a man by the colour of his neck.
30. How is the weather right now? Sunny and brisk
31. What are you listening to right now? The Girl is talking shite.
32. What is your current fav song? "Flathead" by the Fratellis
33. What was the last movie you watched? Stranger Than Fiction. I though it would be a piece of shit. It was not.
34. Do you wear contacts? Nope
35. Where was the last place you went besides your house? fuckin work.
36. What are you afraid of? Spiders, strangers, the telephone, getting old.
37. How many piercings have you had? None.
38. How many pets do you have? Two fish, Matt Hughes and Chuck Liddel
39. What's one thing you've learned? Most people will believe what makes them feel good no matter what, and people will think you are good if you tell them what they want to here. Avoid these people.
40. What do you usually order from Starbucks? To my unreconcilable shame, I love Starbucks. Venti Latte please.
42. Have you ever fired a gun: Yes.
43. Are you missing someone? No, she's here.
44. Fav. TV show? The League of Gentlemen (overall) House (still on tv)
45. Do you have an iPod? Yes. Best thing I ever bought.
46. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb? Yes. And it was always based on whatever my hair looked like at the time.
48. Who would you like to see right now? I'd like to see Liz and Kat again.
49. Favorite movie of all time? Cool Hand Luke.
50. Do you find yourself loved? I do indeed.
51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to? All the fucking time. It usually involves cookies.
53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn? butter and salt please.
54. What Magazines are you reading? EGM, Q
55. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Yes, but I really can't stand them. Very cheese.
56. Has anyone you were really close to you passed away recently? No. Many people not close to me have died but I am not troubled by this.
58. What's something that really bugs you? There is no way to convey this properly in the space it deserves without appearing to be a dick.
60. Do you like Michael Jackson? Yes, because to me that name only represents the music. I don't give a shit what any celeb does in their spare time, good or bad. I want the CD/Book/Movie whatever and you can keep the autograph.
61. What's your favorite smell? Eucalyptus
62. Favorite baseball team? Used to be an avid Jays fan until I realized I was cheering for uniforms, the players were interchangeable and only there for the pay.
63. Favorite cereal? Mini Wheats and Captain Crunch.
65. What's the longest time you've gone without sleep? About 50 hours.
66. Last time you went bowling? I don't know but I was a kid and it was fun.
67. Where is the weirdest place you have slept? Palm Springs.
68. Who was your last phone call? Telemarketer.....I think she quit after she hung up on me.
69. Last time you were at work? Twelve hours ago.
70. What's the closest orange object to you? The publish button.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Get Your Move On

Me and the Girl are getting ready to move soon, so I won't have a proper new post for a few weeks. We are compiling boxes and starting to pack and things are getting hairy indeed. I have to give changes of address to about 100 companies from work to Mastercard to Revenue Canada. It is unnerving to me that so many people need to know where I live. So The Ocean is on temporary hiatus but I will be back with celebrity guest hosts (probably not), pimping rides (definitely not) beautifully written, allegorically complex, and unerring social commentary (doubtful) very soon.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Green Fish's Household Tips

1. Smelly? Try soaking your "week long worn" underpants in a 60/40 mix of gin and balsamic vinegar. Pay particular attention to the gusset and pissflap while rinsing.
2. Ugly? Try hanging around the blind and horribly disfigured during the day, and the desperate and booze addled in the evening.
3. Constipated? A picture of Charlie Callas held tightly to the breast is a scientifically proven stool softener and an exhilarating laxative.
4. Hungry? I always carry a bay leaf, two onions, a ball of beef fat, two eggs, a false mustache and a sandwich to avoid any hunger related emergencies.
5. Sober? Irish whiskey is your man on those occasions when you feel the ugly gaze of sobriety casting its judgmental gaze on the tendrils of your wasted life.
6. Dirty? You may need nothing more than a good scrub down with a wire brush and a bucket coal tar. Don't forget that stubborn patch between your genitalia and anus commonly known as the barse, taint, tinter, or coffee table.
7. Stupid? Make sure your opinions, no matter how biased, unfounded, or self evidently wrong, are stated loudly, aggressively, and without any possibility of debate.
8. On fire? Seek water, runway foam, or a damp lawn to roll around on. If your are wearing thick fire retardant cloths and head coverings, try running about waving your arms and yelling before putting yourself out. This will amuse and delight any children that may be watching.
9. Hemorrhoids? Loud descriptive monologues at the dinner table is the best way to elicit anecdotal advise about this very funny condition.
10. Bored? Start a blog.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Angus Is It

What up bitches. It's your old and faithful friend Angus Thripshaw here bringing you some sweet, sweet Happy New Year cheer. I'm filling in for the Great Green Wally this week. He is worn out and fucked up from living out his dream of spending the holidays in New York City with a girl that is way to good for him. Anyhoo, Fishstick has been tagged by Liz to fill out a quiz to answer the question, "are you interesting?" He is not. He is in fact an overgrown man-child with a stupid hair cut. I, on the other hand, am very interesting. So until Mr. Green Ass can muster the courage to fight me like a man and toss me out of his house, I am taking over and showing you all what can no longer remain a secret:

ANGUS THRIPSHAW IS INTERESTING

1. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
I sleep in a ditch unless I am entertaining a lady for the purposes of sex, in which case I sleep in her ditch.

2. What was the weather like on your graduation day?
The day I graduated form St. Vernon Of The Seven Balms it was pissing rain and there was a cruel gale blowing up my vestments much to the distraction of passing motorists.

3. What kind of winter coat do you own?
I ware a thick layer of duck fat next to my skin. Next is my Hillary Duff t-shirt, over which I sport a green velvet smoking jacket. I top it all off with another layer of duck fat and a Roots fleecy.

4. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Last Tuesday. "Not guilty Your Honour."

5. Where do you keep your change?
In a paper cup on the edge of my ditch.

6. Describe your keychains?
I will assume "keychains" is a euphemism for scrotum and say only that it is yellow, pendulous, hairless, and smells faintly of soup.

7. What is your favorite flavor of jelly?
The soothing kind that makes my many, many sores burn a little less.

8. Some things you are excited about?
The death of Larry King, a fine Korean whiskey, the return of polio, naked ladies, sundried sushi, an affordable energy efficient iron lung for my cat.

9. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
Shower?

10. Have you ever been in a planetarium?
If by "planetarium" you mean whore house, then yes.

11. Have you ever received one of those big tins with three kinds of popcorn?
Yes. the person who gave it to me is no longer with us and all three kinds of popcorn have been scattered to the four winds.

12. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
Very much so. I come out covering in jellyfish and dead mackerel. My hair is like one of those banned drift nets, Definitely not dolphin friendly.

13. Any plans for Friday night?
A bottle of Olde Taint Scrubber Irish Whiskey, a lady of negotiable affections (preferably blind, charitable, and of low standards), a picture of Larry King, an enema kit, two pounds of walnuts, a jar of beets, a tin of smelts, and a whole lot of Willy Nelson.

14. What is out your back door?
Out my "back door" is the only way I like it. Between my back door and my "keychain" is my COFFEE TABLE.

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've ever had?
I once sat through most of an episode of American Idol.

16. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Yes, but I have to take a lot of laxatives first. And I usually get arrested.

17. Who did you lose your concert virginity to?
Motorhead.

18. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
Never. But I once wrestled the pants of the UPS guy.

19. How many different beverages have you had today?
Oh my. Do solvents count?

20. Last thing you received in the mail?
The latest installment from the Soup Of The Month Club, Beef and Budgie. It's not as good as homemade, but it's hard to find a steady source of fresh budgie. Pet shops eventually call the police and friends stop inviting you over for snacks.

21. Have you had to take out a loan for school?
I once borrowed a school bus. I used it as "Angus Thripshaw's Travelling Nudist Colony And Bait Shoppe". When the school board and police finally caught up with me, they did not want the bus back.

22. Do you have any famous ancestors?
My father lost a bar fight to Mother Theresa. She was a mean one when she was on the piss.

23. Your prom night?
No, I'm just happy to see you.

24. Do you know all the words to the song on your MySpace profile?
Fuck MySpace.

25. Are you any good at math?
I'm better a comparative anatomy.

26. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Molting.

26. What were you doing this morning at 8 AM?
Wallowing in my feted ditch.

27. When was the last time you shaved?
Well, I shaved my "keychain" last night, my COFFEE TABLE over breakfast, my "back door" during Coronation Street, and the UPS man as soon as he is looking the other way. That's a lot of shaving.

28. Explain what ended your last relationship.
Numbers 1 through 27 above.

Happy New Year Folks. Remember, Angus doesn't give a shit.