Sunday, January 14, 2007

Green Fish's Household Tips

1. Smelly? Try soaking your "week long worn" underpants in a 60/40 mix of gin and balsamic vinegar. Pay particular attention to the gusset and pissflap while rinsing.
2. Ugly? Try hanging around the blind and horribly disfigured during the day, and the desperate and booze addled in the evening.
3. Constipated? A picture of Charlie Callas held tightly to the breast is a scientifically proven stool softener and an exhilarating laxative.
4. Hungry? I always carry a bay leaf, two onions, a ball of beef fat, two eggs, a false mustache and a sandwich to avoid any hunger related emergencies.
5. Sober? Irish whiskey is your man on those occasions when you feel the ugly gaze of sobriety casting its judgmental gaze on the tendrils of your wasted life.
6. Dirty? You may need nothing more than a good scrub down with a wire brush and a bucket coal tar. Don't forget that stubborn patch between your genitalia and anus commonly known as the barse, taint, tinter, or coffee table.
7. Stupid? Make sure your opinions, no matter how biased, unfounded, or self evidently wrong, are stated loudly, aggressively, and without any possibility of debate.
8. On fire? Seek water, runway foam, or a damp lawn to roll around on. If your are wearing thick fire retardant cloths and head coverings, try running about waving your arms and yelling before putting yourself out. This will amuse and delight any children that may be watching.
9. Hemorrhoids? Loud descriptive monologues at the dinner table is the best way to elicit anecdotal advise about this very funny condition.
10. Bored? Start a blog.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Angus Is It

What up bitches. It's your old and faithful friend Angus Thripshaw here bringing you some sweet, sweet Happy New Year cheer. I'm filling in for the Great Green Wally this week. He is worn out and fucked up from living out his dream of spending the holidays in New York City with a girl that is way to good for him. Anyhoo, Fishstick has been tagged by Liz to fill out a quiz to answer the question, "are you interesting?" He is not. He is in fact an overgrown man-child with a stupid hair cut. I, on the other hand, am very interesting. So until Mr. Green Ass can muster the courage to fight me like a man and toss me out of his house, I am taking over and showing you all what can no longer remain a secret:

ANGUS THRIPSHAW IS INTERESTING

1. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
I sleep in a ditch unless I am entertaining a lady for the purposes of sex, in which case I sleep in her ditch.

2. What was the weather like on your graduation day?
The day I graduated form St. Vernon Of The Seven Balms it was pissing rain and there was a cruel gale blowing up my vestments much to the distraction of passing motorists.

3. What kind of winter coat do you own?
I ware a thick layer of duck fat next to my skin. Next is my Hillary Duff t-shirt, over which I sport a green velvet smoking jacket. I top it all off with another layer of duck fat and a Roots fleecy.

4. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Last Tuesday. "Not guilty Your Honour."

5. Where do you keep your change?
In a paper cup on the edge of my ditch.

6. Describe your keychains?
I will assume "keychains" is a euphemism for scrotum and say only that it is yellow, pendulous, hairless, and smells faintly of soup.

7. What is your favorite flavor of jelly?
The soothing kind that makes my many, many sores burn a little less.

8. Some things you are excited about?
The death of Larry King, a fine Korean whiskey, the return of polio, naked ladies, sundried sushi, an affordable energy efficient iron lung for my cat.

9. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
Shower?

10. Have you ever been in a planetarium?
If by "planetarium" you mean whore house, then yes.

11. Have you ever received one of those big tins with three kinds of popcorn?
Yes. the person who gave it to me is no longer with us and all three kinds of popcorn have been scattered to the four winds.

12. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
Very much so. I come out covering in jellyfish and dead mackerel. My hair is like one of those banned drift nets, Definitely not dolphin friendly.

13. Any plans for Friday night?
A bottle of Olde Taint Scrubber Irish Whiskey, a lady of negotiable affections (preferably blind, charitable, and of low standards), a picture of Larry King, an enema kit, two pounds of walnuts, a jar of beets, a tin of smelts, and a whole lot of Willy Nelson.

14. What is out your back door?
Out my "back door" is the only way I like it. Between my back door and my "keychain" is my COFFEE TABLE.

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've ever had?
I once sat through most of an episode of American Idol.

16. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Yes, but I have to take a lot of laxatives first. And I usually get arrested.

17. Who did you lose your concert virginity to?
Motorhead.

18. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
Never. But I once wrestled the pants of the UPS guy.

19. How many different beverages have you had today?
Oh my. Do solvents count?

20. Last thing you received in the mail?
The latest installment from the Soup Of The Month Club, Beef and Budgie. It's not as good as homemade, but it's hard to find a steady source of fresh budgie. Pet shops eventually call the police and friends stop inviting you over for snacks.

21. Have you had to take out a loan for school?
I once borrowed a school bus. I used it as "Angus Thripshaw's Travelling Nudist Colony And Bait Shoppe". When the school board and police finally caught up with me, they did not want the bus back.

22. Do you have any famous ancestors?
My father lost a bar fight to Mother Theresa. She was a mean one when she was on the piss.

23. Your prom night?
No, I'm just happy to see you.

24. Do you know all the words to the song on your MySpace profile?
Fuck MySpace.

25. Are you any good at math?
I'm better a comparative anatomy.

26. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Molting.

26. What were you doing this morning at 8 AM?
Wallowing in my feted ditch.

27. When was the last time you shaved?
Well, I shaved my "keychain" last night, my COFFEE TABLE over breakfast, my "back door" during Coronation Street, and the UPS man as soon as he is looking the other way. That's a lot of shaving.

28. Explain what ended your last relationship.
Numbers 1 through 27 above.

Happy New Year Folks. Remember, Angus doesn't give a shit.