Thursday, January 04, 2007

Angus Is It

What up bitches. It's your old and faithful friend Angus Thripshaw here bringing you some sweet, sweet Happy New Year cheer. I'm filling in for the Great Green Wally this week. He is worn out and fucked up from living out his dream of spending the holidays in New York City with a girl that is way to good for him. Anyhoo, Fishstick has been tagged by Liz to fill out a quiz to answer the question, "are you interesting?" He is not. He is in fact an overgrown man-child with a stupid hair cut. I, on the other hand, am very interesting. So until Mr. Green Ass can muster the courage to fight me like a man and toss me out of his house, I am taking over and showing you all what can no longer remain a secret:


1. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
I sleep in a ditch unless I am entertaining a lady for the purposes of sex, in which case I sleep in her ditch.

2. What was the weather like on your graduation day?
The day I graduated form St. Vernon Of The Seven Balms it was pissing rain and there was a cruel gale blowing up my vestments much to the distraction of passing motorists.

3. What kind of winter coat do you own?
I ware a thick layer of duck fat next to my skin. Next is my Hillary Duff t-shirt, over which I sport a green velvet smoking jacket. I top it all off with another layer of duck fat and a Roots fleecy.

4. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Last Tuesday. "Not guilty Your Honour."

5. Where do you keep your change?
In a paper cup on the edge of my ditch.

6. Describe your keychains?
I will assume "keychains" is a euphemism for scrotum and say only that it is yellow, pendulous, hairless, and smells faintly of soup.

7. What is your favorite flavor of jelly?
The soothing kind that makes my many, many sores burn a little less.

8. Some things you are excited about?
The death of Larry King, a fine Korean whiskey, the return of polio, naked ladies, sundried sushi, an affordable energy efficient iron lung for my cat.

9. Do you re-use towels after you shower?

10. Have you ever been in a planetarium?
If by "planetarium" you mean whore house, then yes.

11. Have you ever received one of those big tins with three kinds of popcorn?
Yes. the person who gave it to me is no longer with us and all three kinds of popcorn have been scattered to the four winds.

12. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
Very much so. I come out covering in jellyfish and dead mackerel. My hair is like one of those banned drift nets, Definitely not dolphin friendly.

13. Any plans for Friday night?
A bottle of Olde Taint Scrubber Irish Whiskey, a lady of negotiable affections (preferably blind, charitable, and of low standards), a picture of Larry King, an enema kit, two pounds of walnuts, a jar of beets, a tin of smelts, and a whole lot of Willy Nelson.

14. What is out your back door?
Out my "back door" is the only way I like it. Between my back door and my "keychain" is my COFFEE TABLE.

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've ever had?
I once sat through most of an episode of American Idol.

16. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Yes, but I have to take a lot of laxatives first. And I usually get arrested.

17. Who did you lose your concert virginity to?

18. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
Never. But I once wrestled the pants of the UPS guy.

19. How many different beverages have you had today?
Oh my. Do solvents count?

20. Last thing you received in the mail?
The latest installment from the Soup Of The Month Club, Beef and Budgie. It's not as good as homemade, but it's hard to find a steady source of fresh budgie. Pet shops eventually call the police and friends stop inviting you over for snacks.

21. Have you had to take out a loan for school?
I once borrowed a school bus. I used it as "Angus Thripshaw's Travelling Nudist Colony And Bait Shoppe". When the school board and police finally caught up with me, they did not want the bus back.

22. Do you have any famous ancestors?
My father lost a bar fight to Mother Theresa. She was a mean one when she was on the piss.

23. Your prom night?
No, I'm just happy to see you.

24. Do you know all the words to the song on your MySpace profile?
Fuck MySpace.

25. Are you any good at math?
I'm better a comparative anatomy.

26. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?

26. What were you doing this morning at 8 AM?
Wallowing in my feted ditch.

27. When was the last time you shaved?
Well, I shaved my "keychain" last night, my COFFEE TABLE over breakfast, my "back door" during Coronation Street, and the UPS man as soon as he is looking the other way. That's a lot of shaving.

28. Explain what ended your last relationship.
Numbers 1 through 27 above.

Happy New Year Folks. Remember, Angus doesn't give a shit.


wonderbug said...

this was the greatest set-up and payoff in blog history.
nicely done, angus...nicely done.

14. What is out your back door?
Out my "back door" is the only way I like it. Between my back door and my "keychain" is my COFFEE TABLE.

Kat said...

I think Angus should have his very own blog complete with appropriate music and for sale items.

Moxy Ness said...

Your one smelly fucker, Angus! And I would like that dead fish removed from under my bathroom sink, ASAP!

elizabeth said...

This is some of the most interesting stuff I think I've ever read. I laughed, I grimaced (indeed I almost shed tears). Moxy must have fun with you boys!

Green Fish said...

Bug...Thank you kindly...and can you get jimmy to pull is finger out and get bloggin'. Like what is he doing right now? Playing video games? Training the cat to make hummus? I would like the JimmyAnon link on the right to be more that just wank fodder.

Kat....Angus is taking over my life. I can't get rid of him or his many, many smells.

Ness....Ummm...that fish isn't Angus'. I'm making pickled trout.

Liz.....I'm taking a lot of credit for your blog ideas. KEEP 'EM COMIN'!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Honestly dude, everytime I read your blog, I get discouraged cause I figure mine will just be a pale imitation. So you gotta write a couple of really bad blogs...maybe if you swoon over some celebraties or something...and then I wont feel so cowed. That was an awesome COFFEE TABLE reference, though.

PS I thought you were making pickled parsnips?

PPS If you can find out Boylan's Natural Soda's...I just had the Vanilla Creme...pretty kick ass. And I pretty much hate soda...unless there's some sort of liquor in it. This contains "extracts of bourbon vanilla" so that must be why I am digging it.

Green Fish said...

Jimmy...Jimmy....Jimmy. Is this the same man who has bravely committed to the same joke for two months every time I knock on his office door? The same man who can have a half hour conversation about piscine nomenclature (hake, skate, bream)? The same (only) man under 75 with a dead on Charlie Callas impersonation. Your unique take on anything could not possibly pale. The world awaits......Get the party started.

elizabeth said...

I'm working on blog ideas... I might have one. Come steal my next post...

elizabeth said...

You were supposed to STEAL it... but I liked the comment. You have a response...

Kat said...

Angus is a smelly blog hog.

Green Fish said...

Angus is dirty, stupid, an totally self absorbed. He is the Paris Hilton of the Endless Ocean Of Gravy.

elizabeth said...

I demand a new blog - put on your genius hat and type - or you will be flogged.

That is all.

Green Fish said...

I'm typing it right now!!! And the fire alarm in the building is going off!!! Really is. I like the new pic.

jamwall said...

i think i had a joke here about abusing homeless people, but i got distracted, hit my head, fell face first into a pale of Mr. Clean, snorted that for a while, passed out, woke up in a cornfield, with my pants down and a bottle of Mazola inserted into my anus and my wallet missing.

never ever ever ever again, will i ever....ever.....leave my video rental card in my wallet!

Blarneyman said...

Jesus. You're really talented. It fucking disgusts me. I really want to post this on my blog, but I won't because I'll lose what little support I have when they defect to you. YOU BASTARD!! You better not try writing screenplays!