1. Smelly? Try soaking your "week long worn" underpants in a 60/40 mix of gin and balsamic vinegar. Pay particular attention to the gusset and pissflap while rinsing.
2. Ugly? Try hanging around the blind and horribly disfigured during the day, and the desperate and booze addled in the evening.
3. Constipated? A picture of Charlie Callas held tightly to the breast is a scientifically proven stool softener and an exhilarating laxative.
4. Hungry? I always carry a bay leaf, two onions, a ball of beef fat, two eggs, a false mustache and a sandwich to avoid any hunger related emergencies.
5. Sober? Irish whiskey is your man on those occasions when you feel the ugly gaze of sobriety casting its judgmental gaze on the tendrils of your wasted life.
6. Dirty? You may need nothing more than a good scrub down with a wire brush and a bucket coal tar. Don't forget that stubborn patch between your genitalia and anus commonly known as the barse, taint, tinter, or coffee table.
7. Stupid? Make sure your opinions, no matter how biased, unfounded, or self evidently wrong, are stated loudly, aggressively, and without any possibility of debate.
8. On fire? Seek water, runway foam, or a damp lawn to roll around on. If your are wearing thick fire retardant cloths and head coverings, try running about waving your arms and yelling before putting yourself out. This will amuse and delight any children that may be watching.
9. Hemorrhoids? Loud descriptive monologues at the dinner table is the best way to elicit anecdotal advise about this very funny condition.
10. Bored? Start a blog.