Sunday, January 14, 2007

Green Fish's Household Tips

1. Smelly? Try soaking your "week long worn" underpants in a 60/40 mix of gin and balsamic vinegar. Pay particular attention to the gusset and pissflap while rinsing.
2. Ugly? Try hanging around the blind and horribly disfigured during the day, and the desperate and booze addled in the evening.
3. Constipated? A picture of Charlie Callas held tightly to the breast is a scientifically proven stool softener and an exhilarating laxative.
4. Hungry? I always carry a bay leaf, two onions, a ball of beef fat, two eggs, a false mustache and a sandwich to avoid any hunger related emergencies.
5. Sober? Irish whiskey is your man on those occasions when you feel the ugly gaze of sobriety casting its judgmental gaze on the tendrils of your wasted life.
6. Dirty? You may need nothing more than a good scrub down with a wire brush and a bucket coal tar. Don't forget that stubborn patch between your genitalia and anus commonly known as the barse, taint, tinter, or coffee table.
7. Stupid? Make sure your opinions, no matter how biased, unfounded, or self evidently wrong, are stated loudly, aggressively, and without any possibility of debate.
8. On fire? Seek water, runway foam, or a damp lawn to roll around on. If your are wearing thick fire retardant cloths and head coverings, try running about waving your arms and yelling before putting yourself out. This will amuse and delight any children that may be watching.
9. Hemorrhoids? Loud descriptive monologues at the dinner table is the best way to elicit anecdotal advise about this very funny condition.
10. Bored? Start a blog.


Moxy Ness said...

I wish you did this entry yesterday. I was on fire and your advise would have really helped.
The hemorrhoids and ugly advise was of no use.

Krankie MacHightrousers said...

As yet another testament to the ressucitating powers of this blog...I myself was in the "bound up way"...a result of a steady diet of american cheese slices and pigs feet...before trying the remedy described in number three in this blog:

As a result I am now nimbler, both in spirit and girth. Albeit with a slightly stretched COFFEE TABLE. Another name for that hard to clean area? The TWERNT! Good Night!

wonderbug said...

damn...i totally forgot about krankie...i nearly spit my coffee out when i saw his gnarly visage.
i wave at you every time i pass your photo on roncesvalles, mr highpants. it is a show of respect and reverance.

what should i do if i am feeling a little maudlin?

elizabeth said...

Wow - love the new look

applause applause

New post!

Kat said...

Holy green fish man!

jamwall said...

i placed a photo of charlie on a wooden stool and for sure, it turned into a pile of yogurt.

Green Fish said...

Ness....You sure were on fire, "Hot Stuff".

Mr. Machightrousers......Thank you for your comment. And may I say that it is a pleasure to here a voice of reason and maturity in this modern world. Please tell me how The Golden Griddle never makes your pancakes the way you like 'em.

Bug.....Maudlin? Try drinking all the leftover
holiday wine in the house.

Liz...Thanks....I'm not sure about it yet so I'll probably be screwing around with it for a while.

Kat...Yeah it's very green. Not sure what I think of it yet.

Jam.......Everyone should have a few pictures of Charlie lying around in case of emergencies.

GT said...

Bored - start a blog

Ain't that the truth. thx for commenting mine.

elizabeth said...

New look again.... very nice! Highe fivhe! (said like borat)

Green Fish said...

gt...thanks for the visit

liz....Black, Green, or White. I still can't decide what I like better.

elizabeth said...

I like the white - but only because of the green heading. It completes it. Like it.

Kat said...

White with a touch o'green. is nice.

Green Fish said...

liz & kat.......thanks for the help....i'll leave it like this. I think it's a bit easier to read as well.

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