Friday, May 04, 2007

Mail Out The Ass

Dear Mr. Fish,

My name is Rev. Simon Deschamps-Galore (pictured). I am a former member of the Alliance of Spiritual Scientists Holistic Oncology Learning Establishment. We were at the forefront of ethereal diagnosis, laying of hands, training the blood, and the homeopathic administration of tinctures, unguents, leeches, tap water and Bovril. My membership came to an end with the disbanding of the movement after several claims of embezzlement and two mysterious smotherings. Fearing an investigation would place me at the forefront of suspicion, I booked passage on a steamer destined for Switzerland. Upon mt arrival Swiss authorities began asking pointed questions about my sombrero, which I had stuffed with stolen credit cards and two live beavers. I was extradited and charged and I am currently serving time at Her Majesty's pleasure for fraud, 6 counts of endangering a horse, malicious tampering, committing a disgrace within sight of a flight attendant school, and keeping two beavers with intent to commit an indecent act for the purpose of causing a breach of public order. I am also an avid fan of women's body building and American Idol. In my current capacity as inmate #845135946 I have spent my time organizing letter writing campaigns to local politicians, members of the clergy, prominent literati, and celebrities. With my formidable eminence and the full support of several key cast members of Degrassi: The Next Generation, I have been moderately successful in banning Belgians from Legion Halls during peak dining hours. Thanks to me you won't see a Swede in Pottery Barn before noon, or a Swissman purchasing eggs within 50 meters of a school. My efforts will soon make it illegal to teach evolution at driving schools or mention quantum gravity theory while donning a brimmed hat of any description. I am currently setting in motion my preparations for an extended series of petitions aimed at banning atheists from Starbucks during daylight hours. So in that vein Mr Fish, I implore you. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF STARBUCKS!!!