While enjoying a summer's afternoon with my Squeezy recently, I saw a man with a rapidly retreating hairline attempting to park a giant Hummer. Now I must admit that I jumped to my usual conclusions about such unparkable diesel-womb things. Big Hummer=Tiny Cock. But perhaps I am too quick to judge. Perhaps he was suffering from the number one killer of adult males. The mid-life crisis. I had witnessed this affliction first hand many years ago but was unaware of its significance at the time. (SATIRE WARNING) A friend of mine recently passed away after a brave struggle with getting pissed and stepping in front of a bus at the ripe old age of 32. I then remembered that at the age of 16 he bought a fast car, a guitar, and began dating a teenage girl. Typical mid-life crisis.
In the spirit of the affliction I have compiled a list. Such lists are popular among a certain type of man who feels that his success, position, family, and cocksize are not all they could be after a wasted lifetime of sucking up and fitting in. Without further delay my little fishy pals:
GREEN FISH'S TOTALLY EXTREME
TOP EIGHT THINGS
TO DO BEFORE HE
TOP EIGHT THINGS
TO DO BEFORE HE
- THROW A KETTLE OVER A PUB: It was referenced during an episode of The Office (uk) and I have become fascinated with it. The secret lies in the use of a necktie as a sling. It was demonstrated with a shoe but I feel the spirit of the feat was not fully realized.
- BURROW THROUGH AN ELEPHANT: A recently (and of course naturally) expired African bull elephant to be traversed internally by me, armed only with goggles, an ice cream scoop, a layer of Vaseline, and a dream. In through the mouth. Set base camp one just past the esophagus. Base camp two and a night's sleep at the mid way point of the large intestine. Exit as God intended.
- THROW A PIGEON THROUGH AN OAK DOOR: Imagine, if you will, a Bruce Lee type of demonstration only with cruelty to animals.
- PUKE INTO A COWBOY OR TOP HAT: Someone else's. It has to be unstaged and spontaneous. And the hat size has to be at least 9 3/4.
- HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH LARRY KING AND REPEATEDLY CALL HIM SAMANTHA: Funny shit.
- TEST DRIVE A LAMBORGHINI: And just sit in the driver's seat making deafening "vroom vroom" and break squealing noises while madly spinning the steering wheel. Then I'll thank the salesman, shake his hand, and tell him "I'll think about it sonny".
- HIT A MAN WITH A SHOVEL: In the interest of ethics I would choose someone who really needed a shovel beating or two. I would like it to be a celebrity who would lend a touch of class to the affair and perhaps make charitable donation to some sort of organization involving trembling children or some such fashionable concern. I would require one side arm, two handed blow to the back followed by a double overhanded strike to the top of the head. It would be understood that I would only use the flat side of the shovel.
- PURCHASE A HIGH QUALITY FALSE MUSTACHE: I would be long dead if I waited to grow my own. Perhaps my lack of mustache growing ability is the basis for my belief in the comic properties of a large well groomed lip wig.