Sunday, June 03, 2007

Life List

Greetings to you my fellow swimmers. The wallowing warmth of the early days of the warmest of seasons have made my savory Ocean a hot and hearty place recently. I offer sincerest prayers of thanks to a tin of beef consume which looks down on me from upon high. I pray for a light summer soup of broth and veggies, and it is made so. With soup, life is good. And although the world can be a nasty shit heap at the best of times, I feel that I am safe in my Endless Ocean with my fishy swishy friends.
While enjoying a summer's afternoon with my Squeezy recently, I saw a man with a rapidly retreating hairline attempting to park a giant Hummer. Now I must admit that I jumped to my usual conclusions about such unparkable diesel-womb things. Big Hummer=Tiny Cock. But perhaps I am too quick to judge. Perhaps he was suffering from the number one killer of adult males. The mid-life crisis. I had witnessed this affliction first hand many years ago but was unaware of its significance at the time. (SATIRE WARNING) A friend of mine recently passed away after a brave struggle with getting pissed and stepping in front of a bus at the ripe old age of 32. I then remembered that at the age of 16 he bought a fast car, a guitar, and began dating a teenage girl. Typical mid-life crisis.
In the spirit of the affliction I have compiled a list. Such lists are popular among a certain type of man who feels that his success, position, family, and cocksize are not all they could be after a wasted lifetime of sucking up and fitting in. Without further delay my little fishy pals:


  1. THROW A KETTLE OVER A PUB: It was referenced during an episode of The Office (uk) and I have become fascinated with it. The secret lies in the use of a necktie as a sling. It was demonstrated with a shoe but I feel the spirit of the feat was not fully realized.
  2. BURROW THROUGH AN ELEPHANT: A recently (and of course naturally) expired African bull elephant to be traversed internally by me, armed only with goggles, an ice cream scoop, a layer of Vaseline, and a dream. In through the mouth. Set base camp one just past the esophagus. Base camp two and a night's sleep at the mid way point of the large intestine. Exit as God intended.
  3. THROW A PIGEON THROUGH AN OAK DOOR: Imagine, if you will, a Bruce Lee type of demonstration only with cruelty to animals.
  4. PUKE INTO A COWBOY OR TOP HAT: Someone else's. It has to be unstaged and spontaneous. And the hat size has to be at least 9 3/4.
  6. TEST DRIVE A LAMBORGHINI: And just sit in the driver's seat making deafening "vroom vroom" and break squealing noises while madly spinning the steering wheel. Then I'll thank the salesman, shake his hand, and tell him "I'll think about it sonny".
  7. HIT A MAN WITH A SHOVEL: In the interest of ethics I would choose someone who really needed a shovel beating or two. I would like it to be a celebrity who would lend a touch of class to the affair and perhaps make charitable donation to some sort of organization involving trembling children or some such fashionable concern. I would require one side arm, two handed blow to the back followed by a double overhanded strike to the top of the head. It would be understood that I would only use the flat side of the shovel.
  8. PURCHASE A HIGH QUALITY FALSE MUSTACHE: I would be long dead if I waited to grow my own. Perhaps my lack of mustache growing ability is the basis for my belief in the comic properties of a large well groomed lip wig.
Well that's it. These are things that would make my life complete and justify my choices and decisions and erase all regrets. Dreams people! Dreams are what drive us to reach for the silver bell of freedom and comfort and a chicken in every driveway. You can make a man wear pants but you can't take away his dreams. Unless his dreams involve a lot of pantslessness. Then sir, you can take his dreams away and damn you to hell if you do.