Sunday, June 03, 2007

Life List

Greetings to you my fellow swimmers. The wallowing warmth of the early days of the warmest of seasons have made my savory Ocean a hot and hearty place recently. I offer sincerest prayers of thanks to a tin of beef consume which looks down on me from upon high. I pray for a light summer soup of broth and veggies, and it is made so. With soup, life is good. And although the world can be a nasty shit heap at the best of times, I feel that I am safe in my Endless Ocean with my fishy swishy friends.
While enjoying a summer's afternoon with my Squeezy recently, I saw a man with a rapidly retreating hairline attempting to park a giant Hummer. Now I must admit that I jumped to my usual conclusions about such unparkable diesel-womb things. Big Hummer=Tiny Cock. But perhaps I am too quick to judge. Perhaps he was suffering from the number one killer of adult males. The mid-life crisis. I had witnessed this affliction first hand many years ago but was unaware of its significance at the time. (SATIRE WARNING) A friend of mine recently passed away after a brave struggle with getting pissed and stepping in front of a bus at the ripe old age of 32. I then remembered that at the age of 16 he bought a fast car, a guitar, and began dating a teenage girl. Typical mid-life crisis.
In the spirit of the affliction I have compiled a list. Such lists are popular among a certain type of man who feels that his success, position, family, and cocksize are not all they could be after a wasted lifetime of sucking up and fitting in. Without further delay my little fishy pals:

GREEN FISH'S TOTALLY EXTREME
TOP EIGHT THINGS
TO DO BEFORE HE
DIES

  1. THROW A KETTLE OVER A PUB: It was referenced during an episode of The Office (uk) and I have become fascinated with it. The secret lies in the use of a necktie as a sling. It was demonstrated with a shoe but I feel the spirit of the feat was not fully realized.
  2. BURROW THROUGH AN ELEPHANT: A recently (and of course naturally) expired African bull elephant to be traversed internally by me, armed only with goggles, an ice cream scoop, a layer of Vaseline, and a dream. In through the mouth. Set base camp one just past the esophagus. Base camp two and a night's sleep at the mid way point of the large intestine. Exit as God intended.
  3. THROW A PIGEON THROUGH AN OAK DOOR: Imagine, if you will, a Bruce Lee type of demonstration only with cruelty to animals.
  4. PUKE INTO A COWBOY OR TOP HAT: Someone else's. It has to be unstaged and spontaneous. And the hat size has to be at least 9 3/4.
  5. HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH LARRY KING AND REPEATEDLY CALL HIM SAMANTHA: Funny shit.
  6. TEST DRIVE A LAMBORGHINI: And just sit in the driver's seat making deafening "vroom vroom" and break squealing noises while madly spinning the steering wheel. Then I'll thank the salesman, shake his hand, and tell him "I'll think about it sonny".
  7. HIT A MAN WITH A SHOVEL: In the interest of ethics I would choose someone who really needed a shovel beating or two. I would like it to be a celebrity who would lend a touch of class to the affair and perhaps make charitable donation to some sort of organization involving trembling children or some such fashionable concern. I would require one side arm, two handed blow to the back followed by a double overhanded strike to the top of the head. It would be understood that I would only use the flat side of the shovel.
  8. PURCHASE A HIGH QUALITY FALSE MUSTACHE: I would be long dead if I waited to grow my own. Perhaps my lack of mustache growing ability is the basis for my belief in the comic properties of a large well groomed lip wig.
Well that's it. These are things that would make my life complete and justify my choices and decisions and erase all regrets. Dreams people! Dreams are what drive us to reach for the silver bell of freedom and comfort and a chicken in every driveway. You can make a man wear pants but you can't take away his dreams. Unless his dreams involve a lot of pantslessness. Then sir, you can take his dreams away and damn you to hell if you do.

17 comments:

elizabeth said...

LMAO. That's genius. Pure and simple.

Anonymous said...

You should make number 9 writing a play about Hitler's family. Oh wait! You already did that!

Blarneyman said...

hilarious

Moxy Ness said...

I like #6 the most. I was thinking we could do this at the weekend, but I think they would ask to see your/our licenses. I Don't think #6 will ever happen.

I also found the video footage you put up to be overly violent. I have left you many messages on your mobile regarding this... check your messages!

Green Fish said...

Liz.......A shovel beating is the purest form of expression.

Anon......If you remember that, you must have been in it. I'm pretty sure the script is still at my parents' house.

Blarney.........Cheers.

Ness..........OK! THE VIDEO IS FUNNY! NOW STOP LEAVING IT ON MY VOICEMAIL PLEASE!

Kat said...

You are a stinkin riot.
And the man has about 5 or 6 cowboy hats I could bring to the stag for you to vomit in. You can barf a little in each or choose one for the full load. Up to you really. It is your dream after all.

Green Fish said...

Thanks Kat......Ness says I'm just stinkin'.

Moxy Ness said...

You are not to soil anyones hat tomorrow night at the stag........ ANYONES!

effin WV!!! pifxzcsw

Melinda said...

So here is my question. Am I limited to beating only one person with a shovel? Because I happen to have a list, not a long one but about the length of my arm. And does it have to be a shovel? Could I use, say a... car? Only, then I wouldn't be beating the crowd of people, I would be driving over them..... nevermind.

Krankie MacHightrousers said...

What if the car had a plow on the front? That's like a shovel, right?

elizabeth said...

Where you at fishy?

elizabeth said...

COME ON MAN. AMUSING AS THIS WAS I NEED SOMETHING NEW!! IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK???

Kat said...

Wow fish. You're worse than me! come on back...I did ;op

Kat said...

btw. did angus die and go to heaven? Cause his page seems to have been taken over by nasty sluts.

elizabeth said...

I am soooooo bored.

elizabeth said...

K seriously. Tell us goodbye then. *crying*

Kat said...

or play that annoying beeping that comes out of the phone when you're supposed to hang up but you forgot.