Friday, April 04, 2008

Gonna Be A Resolution

The new year is several months old and as usual my mind turns sheepishly to the list of broken resolutions from this time, one year ago. I am still overweight. I have not paid off my credit card. I have not kept close touch with friends and family.  I have not committed myself to my writing. This list is as long as it is shameful but I have decided not to dwell on it unduly. I have instead decided to forgo the entire resolution process and instead focus on those ways in which the rest of the world can improve itself over the next year. 

  • Try to loose a little weight. You are not getting any younger and belts are not getting any cheaper. You are within but a few wheezing steps of a condition known as "that guy on the news who got taken out of his house on a forklift". Cheese is not a seasoning and marmalade stains make up most of your laundry emergencies.
  • Be aware of that smell that your wife finds so appealing tends to offend your fellow subway passengers. Your kids buy you that stuff because it cheap, and you wife encourages it because is guarantees fidelity. The way it mixes with your permanent cloud of pomade, Maker's Mark, and self doubt tends to move even the stoutest of soul toward thoughts of self mutilation. 
  • Try pulling up your pants for while. Just saying.
  • That subway you are trying to knock me out of the way to board, is not in fact the last subway on Earth. There is no need to mash your way in like it's your last hope for life in the new world. 
  • Remember that no one is interested in your phone conversations or your children. Both should be kept quiet in crowded spaces.
  • Try to eat less things that come in blister packs. These include bologna that is the same colour as an albino's taint, compartmentalized cheese and crackers with a plastic stick, and any food with the word "FUN" on the container. What I'm saying is that food that comes in the same packaging as a G.I. Joe doll will cause gastric distress in your future.
  • Men over 30 should avoid the following:  that fist touch greeting (it's the new high five), tribal tattoos (the Big Mac of tattoos) ,the word "extreme" (1995 was 13 years ago and you are still reciting a Mountain Dew ad).

In closing my fine fishy flock of fledging friends, I wish a happy and prosperous remaining eight months of 2008. 

No comments: