Sunday, July 20, 2008

Excerpt from "A Gentleman's Correspondence" (part the third)

Dear James,

It was with abundant exaltation that your letter arrived with the news of your Wick United (up the Wickets!!!) unseating the mighty Falkirk 3 goals to nil in a Saturday afternoon bloodletting. I missed the match as a result of a short stay in the cells of the local constabulary after a McEwan's Lager fueled misadventure with a block of paraffin wax, a plunger, a tube of industrial sealer, six meters of ballistic fuse wire, a cigarette lighter, and the Lord Westminster's prized show pony. I was released the next day (after missing Falkirk's richly deserved decimation), due to a lack of evidence. To my great relief no trace of the beast was recovered and indeed the only evidence of the fracas was a lingering stench of burnt hair and seared meat covering a three mile radius centered upon a certain local pub.

It now appears that with mighty Falkirk effectively out of the running, as a result of several key upsets at the hands of lesser regarded up and coming clubs, it is certain that the run for the Red Cup And Cap is truly wide open. The Haddingtonshire Lefty's extra time own goal by mid-fielder Ken "Dunnee" Yardson, meant a rare home victory for The Ross and Cromarty Red Darts and made the Hadd's relegation to "C" division a foregone conclusion. Sectarian violence has once again precluded a result between "Olde Company" city rivals Fife United and Fife City FC Internationals. The Inters full center back, Robbie "Robbie" Shaker, recently returned from a state ordered holiday in America, bringing with him a new found love of old school Methodist rhetoric. There already exists deepening distrust being fostered by the ongoing schism among local vicarages regarding Protestant doctrine. This is only exasperated by local hero Robbie "Robbie" Shaker taking the pitch carrying two live rattle snakes and speaking in tongues. The total lack of scoring points for either of these clubs has ensured that neither will wear The Golden Tam this season. This is truly a low for these two once mighty clubs, the like of which has not been seen since the Great Bovril Blight of 1890. It is indeed hard to believe that United are largely considered the most decorated side in the Union and the Inters hold a quarter final FA Cup draw against Hammersmith among their honours. 

I must sign off for now my friend. The Argyle Ramblers are about to take the pitch against the loathed Sutherland Walking Fish (Go A-Rams fuck the SWF Johnny Shites), and I barley have my knuckles wrapped or my piss bottles filled. Good day Sir, until our next communication.

Yours

Michael

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