Sunday, March 22, 2009
Dear Sisters Of The Stigmata Refugee Detention Center
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to offer my deepest thanks for your hospitality over the last week. Your facility is both clean and welcoming. After a night of celebrating the local squad's promotion to "D" Division Men's Football, one can only hope to find oneself placed into to the hands of such a fine holding center when one is brought low by Drink and Jocularity. I have been lead to understand that yours is one of the most respected names in itinerant men's hostelry in the tri-shire area and the reformatory of choice for those frequently afflicted with public drunkenness. I am lead further to believe that you have been fire free since late 2007 and relatively absent of corpses for several months. I only hope that the process of my internment was not overly stressful on you fine staff. After the Red Banjo's handy defeat of West Milan lead me to over indulge during the post match festivities, there my have been some regretful property damage on my part and some unprovoked attacks on a Police Horse. I would also like to inquire after the whereabouts of one of your permanent lodgers with whom I shared a bunk with on my first few nights. He was an associate of mine has been availing himself of your amenities for some time, usually between stints at the local bailiff's pleasure. We had been enjoying an amicable dalliance for a time but this has recently come to a halt with my release and I don't want to risk losing touch with him again. I can't wait until the next time that special forces called out for acts of aggravated football hooliganism. He is a robust giant of a man with a shock of auburn hair and a proud mustache. He is often seen in the company of a retired bus conductor as they try to gain entrance to exclusive supper clubs in the guise of man and wife. I would appreciate your assistance in reaching him. If you would be so kind as to check his room for signs of death, flight, abduction or elopement. Perhaps a note of some kind. DO NOT APPROACH HIM. Thank you for your time.