Taurus: The last person who used your toilet did so under false pretenses. You will encounter a small lady carrying a fish and a copy of the Sermons Of St Bonaventure. Walking backwards should be avoided unless there is clear financial gain. Your home stars today are Polaris and Treat Williams.
Cancer: The pain in your legs will get better once you loosen your cummerbund and discover that the marriage certificate was never signed. Your royal house is Tudor and your lucky warming implement is a blanket.
Leo: Love is just around the corner in the form of a lonely, manipulative, alcoholic, with father issues. Food eaten while standing on one foot does not count for the next 12 hours. Your cold cut of the day is olive loaf.
Virgo: Although you may be assured by those you trust that it ain't nuthin but a thing, be warned that it may in fact be nuthin but a chicken wing. Your greeting for the current moon phase is the awkward wave and smile.
Libra: Quit gumming up the works. You will have three importune, totally involuntary farts this afternoon, but you will, in each case, be in the presence of a sleeping hobo on whom you can blame the emissions. Your jams are raspberry and unsweetened black current.
Scorpio: Don't be all like you're better than me just cuz you think you all that when you don't even know me and jus prolly jealous anyway cuz I'm sexy and I'll slap a bitch who gets all in my business like they got somthin.
Sagittarius: The five second rule does not apply to soup. Don't get talked into a camping trip by a man who purchases his shoes one at a time. Everyone knows your touch does not cure dandruff so stop telling people that it does. Your mode of ambulation while Saturn is in the second house, strolling.
Capricorn: You are so hot right now. Your small intestine is the topic of conversation among people who admire such things. You will get lost in a large chain bookstore and never be able to admit it to yourself. Your response to people whom you find yourself no longer listening to should be, "yeah, for sure."
Aquarius: Don't sweat the small stuff unless it is poking out of your skin. If you can see it through a shirt then call a doctor. If you can see it from across the street with a coat on then call The Guinness Book Of world Records (medical oddities and abnormalities division).