Sunday, April 26, 2009

Your Sweet Horosope Pudding

Aries: Let yourself become more comfortable in white denim. You may be subject to the whims of a man in a soiled dickie. Your planets today are Mars, Venus and the brown one with the stripes. Your wish stone is the flat one and your soul number is 107.



Taurus: The last person who used your toilet did so under false pretenses. You will encounter a small lady carrying a fish and a copy of the Sermons Of St Bonaventure. Walking backwards should be avoided unless there is clear financial gain. Your home stars today are Polaris and Treat Williams.




Gemini: You have Munchhausen by proxy.









Cancer: The pain in your legs will get better once you loosen your cummerbund and discover that the marriage certificate was never signed. Your royal house is Tudor and your lucky warming implement is a blanket.






Leo: Love is just around the corner in the form of a lonely, manipulative, alcoholic, with father issues. Food eaten while standing on one foot does not count for the next 12 hours. Your cold cut of the day is olive loaf.






Virgo: Although you may be assured by those you trust that it ain't nuthin but a thing, be warned that it may in fact be nuthin but a chicken wing. Your greeting for the current moon phase is the awkward wave and smile.







Libra: Quit gumming up the works. You will have three importune, totally involuntary farts this afternoon, but you will, in each case, be in the presence of a sleeping hobo on whom you can blame the emissions. Your jams are raspberry and unsweetened black current.




Scorpio: Don't be all like you're better than me just cuz you think you all that when you don't even know me and jus prolly jealous anyway cuz I'm sexy and I'll slap a bitch who gets all in my business like they got somthin.






Sagittarius: The five second rule does not apply to soup. Don't get talked into a camping trip by a man who purchases his shoes one at a time. Everyone knows your touch does not cure dandruff so stop telling people that it does. Your mode of ambulation while Saturn is in the second house, strolling.





Capricorn: You are so hot right now. Your small intestine is the topic of conversation among people who admire such things. You will get lost in a large chain bookstore and never be able to admit it to yourself. Your response to people whom you find yourself no longer listening to should be, "yeah, for sure."






Aquarius: Don't sweat the small stuff unless it is poking out of your skin. If you can see it through a shirt then call a doctor. If you can see it from across the street with a coat on then call The Guinness Book Of world Records (medical oddities and abnormalities division).





Pisces: Although two wrongs never make a right, three wrongs can be quite acceptable if the person being wronged is truly a prick who has been asking for it like some sort of fancy college boy with his four wheel drive and linen suit.

Letter Of Complaint

Dear Mr Fish,

As I'm sure has been pointed out to your esteemed personage on several occasions, you continue to misrepresent yourself as a legitimate blogger. This I feel is in conflict with, if not the letter of the law, then at least the spirit of the noble institution that we call the Internet. You continually and maliciously claim to be the producer of a blog yet at not time have you mentioned a relevant current event, commented on a broad social trend, or ruminated on the tooings and froings of some popular glitterati with which the public feels the compulsion to heap regard upon. This state of affairs is compounded by the fact that you seem to relish in the ridiculous, the profane, the nonsensical, and the profoundly irrelevant. You may feel that I am over harsh, even spitful, but please good sir, you can not fail to see if six people read your blog then their are at least six people more deeply out of touch than yourself.

Regards

Perez Hilton

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Tonight's Menu (with english on reverse)

Le Canard de la Honte


Beginnings


Soup with two spoons and peas from Spain........................................................................2.63
One egg beside one egg with one or two breads..................................................................2.17
New salad green without coating not chosen (choice on side)............................................2.11

For the Main

Delights of fish without or among glaze and seasonal tubers..............................................11.49
Larger or minuscule area of ham arranged in a fashion......................................................10.80
Fifty percent of duck with embellishments..........................................................................22.50


Trolley of pies will follow you!

bon apatite!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Central Intelipol's Most Wanted

Lidia "Momma" Cruft: Last seen purchasing large quantities of Sunny Delight and counterfeit cowboy hats in the parking lot of The Upper Marlboro, Maryland Chamber Of Commerce. If seen, DO NOT APPROACH, but go to the nearest civic authority and report.

Threat Level: Dark Blue

Reward: Imminent





Karl & Promethia Burst: Last seen in or around Mississauga Ontario attempting to gain entrance to The Knight's Of Columbus Anti-Post Marital Sex Dinner Dance & Fund Raiser dressed as someone else. If cornered, lay face down and place arms rigidly at acute arcs until negotiators arrive.

Threat Level: Eminent

Reward: Voluntary




Elija Wong: Last seen testing the waters of a Red Lobster crab tank due south of the Tropic Of Cancer. Do not make eye contact unless accompanied by a doctor of science.

Threat Level: Too Legit

Reward: Rumored




The Rhododendron Brothers: Last seen boarding a slow boat to Northern Tweed, heavily laden with after market truck parts. Upon discovery the activation phrase given to the local constabulary is, "The goose is juicer when the chef is patient", followed by a double wink and a Petite Mal seizure.

Threat Level: Eggy

Reward: Three Times A Lady



Mason Walsh: Last seen holding court in the Laotian garment district clutching a copy of Yes I Can, gamely holding on, while being pelted with pieces of The True Cross. Upon introduction, do not linger with your finger, but move slowly to the back of the room, humming as if your life depended on it.

Threat Level: Double Down

Reward: Upon Clarification