Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Central Intelipol's Most Wanted

Lidia "Momma" Cruft: Last seen purchasing large quantities of Sunny Delight and counterfeit cowboy hats in the parking lot of The Upper Marlboro, Maryland Chamber Of Commerce. If seen, DO NOT APPROACH, but go to the nearest civic authority and report.

Threat Level: Dark Blue

Reward: Imminent

Karl & Promethia Burst: Last seen in or around Mississauga Ontario attempting to gain entrance to The Knight's Of Columbus Anti-Post Marital Sex Dinner Dance & Fund Raiser dressed as someone else. If cornered, lay face down and place arms rigidly at acute arcs until negotiators arrive.

Threat Level: Eminent

Reward: Voluntary

Elija Wong: Last seen testing the waters of a Red Lobster crab tank due south of the Tropic Of Cancer. Do not make eye contact unless accompanied by a doctor of science.

Threat Level: Too Legit

Reward: Rumored

The Rhododendron Brothers: Last seen boarding a slow boat to Northern Tweed, heavily laden with after market truck parts. Upon discovery the activation phrase given to the local constabulary is, "The goose is juicer when the chef is patient", followed by a double wink and a Petite Mal seizure.

Threat Level: Eggy

Reward: Three Times A Lady

Mason Walsh: Last seen holding court in the Laotian garment district clutching a copy of Yes I Can, gamely holding on, while being pelted with pieces of The True Cross. Upon introduction, do not linger with your finger, but move slowly to the back of the room, humming as if your life depended on it.

Threat Level: Double Down

Reward: Upon Clarification

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