Monday, June 15, 2009

The False Horoscope (not the real one)

The Walleye: (January 2 to January 4)--Avoid eating poison and being robbed today. It is time for that nuisance lawsuit you've always talked about. Those lucky rocks you've been collecting don't do shit, try getting a lucky job.

Sheep's Easter: (January 5 to May 16)--Your cat does not like your tie. Eggs will not do you harm for the rest of the month. A kind word to an elderly man will not do either of you any good.

Parental Lies: (Late May to June 2)--Very few people can tolerate the volume of your night terrors. You will buy a lottery ticket today from a man suffering from pica.

The Fop's Belt: (June 3 to June 4, 3:27pm)--The old trunk in which you found your father's dresses has a false bottom in which are hidden his letters from Larry King. Of all the hats in the shop to choose from, you will be drawn to the one that makes you look even balder.

Dave: (June 4, 3:28pm to September 19 {excluding all of July and August 6})--No one saw you steal the hammer but people are curious about the blood on your cummerbund. What you assumed was furniture polish is in fact a sexual ointment.

The Bladders: (All of July)--Wedding bells are evident if you go to a bell maker and ask. Two people whom you know well are planning your well deserved comeuppance. Avoid impulse coat purchases while in the company of partially sighted.

Simple Salad: (August 6)--Take some time to love yourself today and then put it on the internet. Try making tacos without embarrassing your loved ones. Flip a coin to decide between pancakes or procreation.

Dented Bean Tin: (September 20 to Elvis 17)--A public bathroom is not a picnic area despite the obvious conveniences. If it ain't broke, take it while no one is looking. Your legs are not lucky so stop asking co-workers to rub them.

Chef's Palsy: (Elvis 18 to September 30)--Don't buy a pet that you would not be prepared to eat in an emergency. Today is as good as any other to hire a prostitute. Make a prank phone call from an up market coffee shop while clad only in a false beard.

Vulgar Limp: (Oct 1 to Dec 24)--Let your hair down and untie the mailman. Television is ready for you to unleash "Who Wants To Marry A Singing Hobo". Your dry heaves could be the excuse you are looking for. Avoid water and staggering today.

The Chubby Waitress: (Dec 25)--Avoid family situations. Opening packages that do not have the contents clearly written on the top will result in injury and toe loss. Your buttocks has no powers beyond the mundane despite what your boss it telling you.

Soft Eggs: (Dec 26 to Jan 1)--Bitter defeat awaits your attempt to organize your sock drawer. Abject failure will be the only result of any attempt to get ahold of yourself. Any hope of improving your situation is almost as hopeless as it is laughable. Stay upbeat.