Sunday, July 05, 2009

The Ugly Side of Procrastination

To my eternal shame it has come to pass that I have not exactly been burning up the blogosphere lately. I know my seven loyal readers must be wondering what the hell is going on. Well I have several very good excuses, and I shall list them here for you now in my own inimitable way.

THE ENDLESS OCEAN OF GRAVY PRESENTS

"WHY THE HELL I HAVE NOT BEEN WRITING MUCH LATELY"

(ALL TRUE)

I had an accident with a bowl of soup (lentil & watercress) that caused sever scalding to over 95% of a bus driver.

I got stuck in a revolving door with a rabbi, a priest, and a newfie and they would not stop regaling me with tales of their wacky adventures.

I found a lump. It's on the back of the toilet about halfway up the cistern, and I'm terrified to scrape it off in case it starts screaming.

Although I have no injuries I have begun wearing a neck brace, an eye patch, a truss, a hook, a diaper, and a built up shoe, just so I can enjoy the respect that goes with such extravagances.

I was taken under the care of a specialist with what I thought was an hysterical pregnancy, but it turned out to be a dream.

My two legs developed a condition unique to me which is called, Uncontrollable Runnin' Around Like A Jackass Syndrome.

My home made gin caused blindness.

Inexplicably, my home made blindness cure (gin & Tia Maria) does not, in fact, cure blindness. It makes it worse. By adding painful diarrhea to the blindness.

My home made Creme de Menthe does in fact cure home made gin induced blindness, and although it tends to intensify the diarrhea, it does put it in perspective.

My beard of bees has caused some unforeseeable complications with my love life.

My computer has started to smell faintly of eggs.

I have been training a monkey to wash the dishes, make wine, paint and genuflect.

I have been severely bitten by a knife wielding, drunk, bright green, genuflecting monkey.

I was arrested in the middle of the night at the lumber yard while trying to feed a bright green, frozen, monkey corpse into a wood chipper.

~fin~

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