Sunday, August 23, 2009

Right up Your Culture

Here at The Endless Ocean Of Gravy we always strive to bring to you the finest in political, spiritual, social, and intellectual musings, perusings, and sundry goings on. In that vein we are proud to present an excerpt from the latest work of an exciting new playwright. Gavin Montserrat (right) has provided us a sneak peek of his latest play Waiting For Bill Paxton, due to premier at the Ronald Reagan Memorial Theater & Refugee Detention Center on Christmas Day, 2009. An except from Act 4 Scene 22 follows, in which Pancho attempts to reveal his indiscretions to Phaedra before their wedding.


Act IV, Scene XXII

(Interior: A roomy shed illuminated by a bare bulb. Walls of corrugated sheet metal. Soiled mattresses, empty picture frames, and old crutches stacked against rear wall. Two Louis XXIII chairs facing downstage. Pancho, stage left, standing behind chair, wearing a green boiler suit, water skis, neck beard, ten gallon hat, and holding a stuffed goose. Phaedra, stage right, sitting, wearing wedding dress, eye patch, back brace, neck brace, thick glasses, hearing aid, built up shoe, and holding bag of polecats. Exterior noises off stage: Classical music, soldiers marching, gunfire, police siren, braying pack animal, intermittent explosions, clown horns, dogs barking, seagulls, pipe organ, pan flute, wood chipper, tap dancing, yodeling cowboy, alpenhorn, kettle boiling, prolonged farting, and intermittent shouts of Waaaaaaaazuuuuuuuuuuup!!!!!)

Pancho: (stood erect, knees slightly bent, feet wide apart) My dearest Phaedra you must wonder why I have pulled you aside mere moments from our nuptials. Know that I did not act rashly when I pulled you from your father's hand as he presented you to the congregation. He must be mystified at my actions that caused his youngest daughter to be spirited away prematurely while he is shoved into the trout pond where he no doubt wallows still.

(Noises Off: shotgun discharged [both barrels] squawking water fowl, applause)

Phaedra: (shouting, squinting at empty spot on stage)What? Why'd you biff my dad into the pond? He's got croup and a cracked sternum.

Pancho: Damn my poor timing to the seven halls of Lucifer! I could not wait a moment longer to say what I have to say. I could not stand before God and take vows without you knowing the full truth.

(Noises Off: mariachi music, fist fight)

Phaedra: (shouting off stage) Shut the feck up! We'll be out in a sec.

(Noises Off: loud protracted "shooshing" snapping mariachi guitar strings, fist fight)

Pancho: Please my dear. Worry not about the guests or your father. I'm sure they have pulled him out by now. I'm must implore you, please listen to what I have to say.

Phaedra: Well if you are going to tell me why you took my old dad by the collar and cummerbund and heaved him over the railing into the frigid waters below you had better hurry up. Those deviled eggs won't keep for long in this heat.

(Noises Off: donkey slipping in spilled butter, glass breaking, turnip hitting skull, applause)

Pancho: (bending deeper at the knees, arms askew) Oh forget the fool for now. The longer he is out of reach of the Drambuie the better for all.

Phaedra: Well out with it then ya big wally. These smoked oysters are starting to waft.

Pancho: I have been unfaithful.

(Noises Off: extended "Ricolaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" followed by long sonorous fart, applause)

Phaedra: Is this about the maid?

Pancho: No.

Phaedra: My sister?

Pancho: NO!

Phaedra: My Brother?

Pancho: Um......................No.

Phaedra: That hoor who you paid to do a shit on you?

Pancho: Not as such.

Phaedra: You sneaking out at night and sticking your tackle into holes in the lawn again?

Pancho: You know very well that my people believe that pressing one's gonads into the soft earth will help one commune with nature and assist in the quickening of the soil. It is our way.

Phaedra: You're from New Jersey.

Pancho: Nevertheless.

Phaedra: What have you done this time then?

(Noises Off: two explosions, man falling over pile of plastic buckets, fog horn, cymbals crash)

Pancho: (drowned out by noises off, making dramatic hand gestures)

Phaedra: (shouting, squinting)What?!?!

(Noises Off: brass band, train whistle, screaming)

Pancho: (drowned out by noises off, making dramatic hand gestures, deep knee bends and pelvic thrusts)

curtain lowers


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