Friday, September 04, 2009

The False Horoscope In A White Wine Sauce

The Walleye: (January 2 to January 4)--Take stock of your life and find out who wants you dead. Your lucky chair smells faintly of failure. Keep away from apes.

Sheep's Easter: (January 5 to May 16)--Someone you trust is looking for the words to describe how they feel about your white denim suit. A hole dug is a hole earned. Check behind the drapes for your youth.

Parental Lies: (Late May to June 2)--Keep a block of fine spruce and a pen knife near you at all times, for the inevitable day when your internet dating failures finally drive you to whittle yourself a wife.

The Fop's Belt: (June 3 to June 4, 3:27pm)--It is finally time to throw out that old man in your bed. Your lucky number is written of the inner thigh of the gypsy you saw urinating in a public fountain during the cabbage riots of '07.

Dave: (June 4, 3:28pm to September 19 {excluding all of July and August 6})--It is never too late to tell someone you think that they are the sorriest sack of shit you ever laid eyes upon. Time to buy a new dog, the old one is dead. Adding some fiber to your diet will somehow make you even less interesting.

The Bladders: (All of July)--Someone you love is bending deeply at the knees for all the wrong reasons. At some point a comb over becomes less of an ingenious facade, and more a burdensome object of ridicule. Explosions are to be avoided for three weeks.

Simple Salad: (August 6)--Hug a stranger and run away. Take time out of your day to stop and smell the mailman. Picking it won't make it better, but it might get you a day off.

Dented Bean Tin: (September 20 to Elvis 17)--Save a choking man and win a dapper waist coat. You will be followed home from the tanning salon by a man in a rented suit. Your poor sense of direction will lead to a loveless marriage. Your lucky symbol for the week is the one leaf clover.

Chef's Palsy: (Elvis 18 to September 30)--Avoid having children if you still eat over the sink. Your noisy love making is upsetting the waiter. Your lucky towel is on the top shelf.

Vulgar Limp: (Oct 1 to Dec 24)--If you are feeling unloved in the morning, eat two pounds of American cheese and later think back on how much better you felt in the morning before you ate all that shitty cheese.

The Chubby Waitress: (Dec 25)--Your mother is a virgin and your father is a gullible fool. Your personality can be best described as "eggy". Try not to be in the way when the rapture comes.

Soft Eggs: (Dec 26 to Jan 1)--Bitter defeat awaits your attempt to clean your feet. Any hope of improving your breakfast nook is almost as hopeless as it is laughable. Stay funky.