Sunday, January 03, 2010

Resolutions in C minor

Editor's note: This blog entry was submitted by the long absent contributor to this blog, Angus Thripshaw. Mr. Thripshaw has been a contributing editor since 2006 and, until now, has turned in his submissions via breaking into my house and making a smell until I let him use the computer. I have had no contact with Angus for many peaceful months and I had assumed that he had finally succumbed to one of his foul "medical concerns". This changed very late last night when a pizza topped with duck eggs, cat doings, and a note was shoved with great force through my letter box. The note is reproduced below to the best of my ability. Thank you and good luck. Yours, GreenFish.

Hello boys and girls! It's your old pal Angus from beyond the grave!!! OOOoooOOOOoooo!! Scary shit eh? Well I'm not dead but rather I am in a state of what some of you would call ruddy good health. I've been back packing across the deep south performing my one man show (actually a one man, two turkey show) to amazed crowds of neck bearded, cleft palleted yokels. After an incident at the dump I found myself trapped under a mountain of rotting fish with nothing to read but Sammy Davis Junior's autobiography, Yes I Can. Well I don't know what Sammy can and can't do, but noshing your way out of a metric ton of putrid piscine entrails was not covered in his shitty book.

As usual, I digress. I am currently hiding in the back seat of a pizza delivery car, writing this missive for your pleasure, waiting for a delivery man whom I can easily subdue. Thinking of strangling a fool puts me in mind of the fool who runs this foolish website for fools. It's the time of year that the fat green wally embarks on some dim plan to become a vegan or a homosexual or whatever in a vain attempt to fit into his old Miami Vice suit. Since most of you are unhappy with your dreary, salaryman drudgery, and are likely obsessed with gormless self improvement, I will share with you the following:

Angus Thripshaw's 10 New Years Resolutions For Dummies And Assholes

  1. No more off-brand gin or unlabeled "gin-like" solvents. There's blindness and then there's blindness with flaming diarrhea and giant spiders.
  2. Start a business that does not involve dressing in a turkey suit or forcing farm animals to fight.
  3. Get a really good haircut from a chubby Asian that involves a good neck scrubbing, a de-lousing, a cup of tea, and a hand job.
  4. Throw out all the old crutches and dress maker's dummies that are cluttering up the apartment. The apartment, of course, being a disused sewage tank behind the mental hospital.
  5. Write a court ordered letter of apology to the Ladies Of The Sacred Heart Choir regarding the incident with the duck egg and the unfortunate bout of public nudity.
  6. Stop wasting money on prostitutes who can't change a tire or weld. "Anything goes" does not always mean what you think it does.
  7. Make a pancake that can cover a body.
  8. Take some time out from work and social events to finally write that threatening letter to Larry King.
  9. Learn to ride and cook a horse.
  10. Stop entertaining the notion that cologne is a lesser evil than halitosis despite its full bodied bouquet and bracing flavour.
That's it my slack bladdered brood. Anything else would be so close to perfection that man would find himself unable to gaze upon me for fear of finding the reflection of his maker. You on the other hand need to pull yourself together before you end up on a reality show.